


Empty Promises

by Neneithel



Series: The Winchester Pact [8]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-18 11:35:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 31,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29733273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neneithel/pseuds/Neneithel
Summary: Eighth in the Winchester Pact series. Set immediately after the episode Byzantium.To save Jack, Cas made a deal with the Empty, giving no thought to how it would impact his relationship with Jules or how he could keep it from the rest of the family.
Relationships: Castiel/Jules (Supernatural)
Series: The Winchester Pact [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2007640
Comments: 13
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

For someone who had been dead twenty-four hours before, Jack seemed pretty cheerful when Cas found him in the kitchen, frying bacon. "Coffee should be almost ready." he said, "Sam's already eaten. I'm cooking Dean's now. You want anything?"

"Just coffee for me." said Cas, "Have you eaten?"

"Yes, I got very hungry about an hour ago."

"And you feel okay?"

"I feel great." said Jack.

"And you wouldn't say that just to make me feel better?" said Cas.

"I'm not Dean."

"Sometimes, you are far too like him." said Cas, noticing the smile that lit up Jack's face at what, to him, was boundless praise.

"I feel good, apart from knowing ... "

"We can't talk about that here, ever." said Cas in a whisper.

"But what are you going to tell Jules?"

"About that? Nothing." said Cas, "When I called her last night and told her you were back with us, she was overjoyed. No point in worrying her about something that may never happen." He looked again at the text he had received from her just after dawn, "Heading home, back by 10." He smiled. "She'll be here in a few hours. Tell her nothing."

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"If we tell her, she'll tell the others and she'll constantly worry about the future and what may happen. You and I have to know. Nobody else needs this burden."

"If it happens, it'll happen when you're happy, right?" said Jack.

"Which means it will never happen. Just having to lie to my friends will keep me safely miserable."

"Dean calls her your 'Happy Ever After'. Isn't it pretty important that she knows if that happens, you get sucked into you-know-where?"

Cas sat heavily down onto a chair. He put his head in his hands.

"Castiel," said Jack, "You had thought about how this could affect your relationship?"

"Our relationship never entered my head." said Cas.

"I would not tell her that." said Jack, "How could it not?"

"You were in mortal danger, in danger of being lost forever. Nothing mattered but getting you out and keeping you safe."

"Jules didn't matter?"

"Jules was not a part of my thought process."

The look of incomprehension on Jack's face faded, to be replaced with a look of sympathy. "Angel focus. The problem in front of you was the only thing that existed."

"And now I have to deal with consequences I failed to anticipate."

"You have to tell her."

"I have to terminate our relationship." said Cas.

"No you don't. You can't."

"Being with her makes me happy. I can't afford to be too happy. If I go ... there, who will protect you and the Winchesters and Jules herself? I can only be sure of being here for all of you if I relinquish every possibility of happiness, especially that one."

"So, what? You're just going to tell her it's over, that you don't love her anymore?"

"I can't lie to her. I'm not great at lying to anyone and she knows me far too well. I'll have to tell her about it, somehow. Hopefully, she'll understand why she can't tell Sam and Dean ... or Sarah."

"You're not even telling Sarah?"

"She would never accept that I need to keep it from them. She would either tell them or keep asking me to. They're focused on fighting Michael. They don't need distractions."

"They could help you get out of the deal." said Jack.

"I don't need to get out of it. Look, all my kind end up there anyway, it's not like a human selling his soul to Hell. It's not the same. I just have to delay collection until you and Jules no longer need my protection." He thought about it for a moment and added, "And if I can't, fine. I trust Sam and Dean to take care of both of you. I would have gone in that moment, without regret, but I got a little longer and that's wonderful."

"And all you have to do is give up everything you love."

"The choice was to give it up then and have part of it trapped forever in a realm I cannot even enter or to save that part and let all I love continue in peace and happiness but give up all rights to have a relationship I never had a right to in the first place."

"You had every right." said Jack.

"No I didn't. By the way, Jack, the bacon has gone black. Angelic focus. Even Dean won't eat it carbonised." He took the skillet and disposed of the bacon.

"You don't have to wash that." said Jack as Cas took it to the sink.

"Get some more bacon. This time, let's think about Dean's breakfast, not the stupid dreams of a stupid angel."

"Neither the dreams nor the angel could be called stupid."

"I knew at the start it could only end badly. When I was around her, I began to believe it could work. It did work, a little. The memories I have ... "

"Stop talking like it's over."

"It is over. I need to be here to protect all of you." He put the clean skillet back on the heat and Jack started to fry up a fresh batch of bacon.

Dean soon arrived. He sniffed the air and said, "Did someone burn bacon?"

"I wasn't concentrating enough." said Jack, "But this bacon should be just how you like it in a minute."

"For me?" said Dean, "You're a good kid. How are you feeling?"

"I feel good." said Jack, "Better than good. I'm home, with my family."

"Yes, you are." said Dean. He looked at Cas, asking with his eyes the question he wouldn't continue to ask of Jack. Cas nodded his confirmation that, as far as he could tell, the boy was fine. "We got you back, kid." said Dean. He smiled at Cas, "Any ETA on Jules?"

"She said by 10." said Cas.

"Well, you look stoked about it. What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong." said Cas.

"You're weird. If my girlfriend were heading my way with good news to celebrate on both sides ... "

"What girlfriend is that?" said Cas.

"Okay, touchy. I just mean ... "

"Bacon!" said Jack, presenting Dean with a plate of food.

"Oh, yeah!" said Dean, "Life is so much better with you around."

"It is, isn't it?" said Cas. He looked at Jack, hoping that he understood that he was worth any sacrifice to Cas.

"Can't wait to hear about the Harrodsburg wraith hunt." said Dean, "Sounds like quite a fight."

"Well, you can ask her all about it." said Cas, not eager to have the conversation he needed to have with her.

"I think she may want to take it easy after fighting most of yesterday and then driving for twelve and a half hours."

"She did stop off partway for a few hours' sleep." said Cas.

"I think she may just want to spend today snoozing in your arms, which you won't object to, I'm sure." said Dean. He smiled engagingly, completely unaware that he was causing pain. He glanced at Jack and said, "Of course, first, she'll wanna hug you until your eyes pop. Sarah has similar intentions. You scared a lot of people."

"Sorry." said Jack.

"Just never die again, okay?"

"I'll do my best." said Jack.

"That's what I like to hear." said Dean. He looked at Cas, suddenly seeming to notice his expression. "Sorry, Cas. I didn't mean to talk lightly about something that causes you so much sorrow."

"He's back," said Cas, "That's all that matters."


	2. Chapter 2

Dean went to Sam's room. The door was ajar and Sam was lying on his stomach, concentrating on his tablet. He turned at the sound of footsteps and said, "Still nothing on Kaia or the spear. How's Jack?"

"Jack's good." said Dean, "I'm more worried about Cas. Have you spoken to him today?"

"No, not since last night. He seemed fine then."

"Yeah, to me too. We were all fine last night, celebrating Jack coming back."

Sam sat up, putting the tablet aside. "So what's different now?"

"I don't know. It's nothing concrete. He's just a little off. I mean, you know how he gets when Jules has been away for a few nights, he bounces around like a puppy when she's on her way back, but today, it's like he's ... he's just not."

"Did you ask him about it?"

"Not really. I got the feeling he wasn't in the mood to talk."

"Maybe he thinks she'll blame him for Jack dying." said Sam, "He probably blames himself. Or maybe it's just that he's been through so much in the past twenty-four hours. I mean, he fought the Empty to get Jack back. That has to give an angel the existential heebie-jeebies."

"Is that a technical term?" said Dean.

"Can you think of a better one?"

"Not really. That could be it. I mean, he hasn't said much about what happened. Maybe we need to ask. I'm probably worrying over nothing."

"I feel a little uneasy myself, just because we got Jack back so easily."

"You call that easy?"

"Well, maybe not, but I did fear the price might be higher."

"It was. Lily paid it." said Dean.

"Yeah, I'm being stupid. I just feel like Im waiting for something to happen. Maybe you're feeling the same way, or maybe Cas is. Maybe he's just scared that it's all too good to be true and he'll still end up losing Jack."

"I keep thinking how hard this has been for all of us," said Dean, "But it's all a million times harder for him. Jack is his kid and he really thought we'd lost him forever. It must have hit him like a truck. Of course he's not himself. How could I expect him to be? But it worries me that he's not talking. Maybe now is the time to reopen the mind link."

"You want to open it so you can crack open his head to find out whatever he's choosing not to tell you?" said Sam, "Because that might not help to build trust."

"You make a good point. I don't know why I'm worrying. Jules'll be home soon and you know she'll get him to talk. One glimpse of her anti-possession tattoo and he'll be baring everything, including his soul. And before you say anything, I know he doesn't have one, except that he really, definitely does in every sense that matters."

"How are you doing, Dean?" said Sam.

"Same as usual." said Dean.

"As bad as that?"

"Everything wrong with me will be fixed when we skewer Michael with that spear. How about you?"

"Me? I'm great."

"You sat with Jack when I couldn't. I let him down."

"He knew you couldn't see him die. He understood."

"I still should have been there."

"We got him back, Dean. It's not like his death was a longterm thing."

"And because of me, Cas wasn't with him either. Maybe that's what's bothering him."

"Dean, stop looking for problems. Jules is gonna come in, hug Jack and take Cas off to their room where she will listen until he tells her everything and if neither of them will tell us, that's fine, because he just needs to talk to someone."

"You think he feels he can't talk to me because of all the Michael stuff and the fact that I haven't suggested reopening the link?"

"I think he may be a little in shock after Jack's death and resurrection and he's not exactly good at putting feelings into words at the best of times."

"Yeah, you're right."

"Do you want to reopen the link?" said Sam.

"I want to want to, if that counts."

"I suspect it would to him. How often do you two talk about this stuff?" said Sam.

"Sometimes. I mean, not every day." said Dean, "Almost never." he admitted, "He doesn't ask about the link and I don't bring it up because I can't say, 'Hey, let's reopen it!' Not yet. But I do miss it and I do wish I could say that. And at times like this, being able to cut the crap and get right to the subconscious would be helpful."

"His or yours?" said Sam.

"Well, that's the trouble. I want more openness from him, but I don't want him knowing what runs through my head in the middle of the night."

"Why? What is it?" said Sam.

"Just stuff."

"Michael stuff, Winchester stuff ... "

"If you say Destiel stuff, I'll break your face."

"I wasn't going to. Curious now as to why you did."

"Things are better, between us. The Michael stuff is buried."

"But not gone?"

"Nothing is ever gone, you know that. Things are okay and we may not talk about that, but we do talk. And I don't flinch when he grabs my shoulder and I don't lash out at him for no reason and things are okay."

"But ... ?"

"But there's a distance between us that never used to be there and sometimes he looks at me with pity in his eyes and when his son died, he was trying to reason with me when he could have been with Jack."

"You wanna know what I think?"

"If it's that I don't deserve a friend like him, I already know that."

Sam smiled. "It's not that. I think what you see as distance is really that you are each more aware that the distance is closing and in some ways, that troubles you, because you know this friendship has been battered and broken and you don't want to test the mended parts in case they aren't strong enough. The reason you feel so uncomfortable around each other is that you know what you have and you're afraid of losing it, but if the whole Michael thing couldn't strip it away, what can?"

"You really think that?"

"I do. And, being the arrogant on of a bitch that I am, I'm pretty sure I'm right. I also think that it might be a good idea for you two to talk more and think less."


	3. Chapter 3

When Jules arrived, Cas, Jack, Dean and Sam all went to greet her. She went to Jack first and took his hands. "How are you, Jack?" she said. Cas struggled to keep his expression normal.

"I feel good." he said.

She hugged him. "When Cas said ... "

"It was just temporary. They saved me. I'm fine." said Jack.

She went to Sam and Dean. "I'm sorry I wasn't here."

"Yeah," said Dean, "The people you saved from that wraith aren't. It turned out to be mostly pretty easy, apart from the whole snatching him from the jaws of the Empty thing."

"The Empty can't claim Jack, surely?" she said.

"Apparently, it thinks it can. Fortunately, Cas kicked its ass." said Dean, "And don't call me Shirley."

She grinned and then went to Cas, slipped her arms around his neck and kissed him. "I should have been here." she said, "I'm just so glad you got him back." 

He was aware that his arm around her waist was clinging a little too tightly. It felt so natural to hold her, to kiss her, but he knew that doing so was unfair, when he was about to end the relationship. Even so, his lips were pressed to hers.

Jack must have seen that too. "Castiel." he whispered.

Cas nodded to him and stepped back from Jules. "We need to talk." he said.

"Of course." she said, "Just give me ten minutes to take a shower and we can talk in our room."

"We should talk now." said Cas, doubting his ability to say goodbye if she came to him fresh and steaming and scented with vanilla and jasmine.

She took his arm. "Okay, Cas. I know you've been through Hell."

She thought they were going to talk about his suffering and then snuggle together on the bed, their fingers interlaced, their limbs intertwined and he could not warn her otherwise, without making her distress and his deal far too public.

"I love you." she said, as they walked down the corridor.

"I love you too." he said and it was entirely true and the most cowardly thing he had ever said.

When they got to their room, she drew him towards the bed and he pulled away and said, "Jules, I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?" she said, suddenly troubled.

It was best to be quick and brutally honest, to break her heart with a single blow, not slice it away in a thousand tiny cuts. "We have to end our relationship." he said.

"No we don't." she said. She stroked his cheek. "Cas, this is just some kind of overload thing. Jack died and you freaked out and now ... "

"No. I am in complete control of my thoughts and feelings. You said I could end this relationship at any time."

"If you stopped loving me. Ha ... have you stopped loving me?"

"Please don't ask that." he said, "I have lost the right to love you."

"That's a pile of crap and you know it. Do you love me?"

"Yes."

"Then this relationship is not ending." she said, "Just lie on the bed and we'll talk about whatever's on your mind, but you can't just ditch me, Cas. It isn't fair."

"I don't have a choice." he said.

"There's always a choice!" she said, "You said you wouldn't do this to me."

"I never wanted to!" he said.

"You need to tell me what's going on."

He nodded. "Getting Jack back wasn't as easy as Dean made it sound and that's because they don't know." he said, "Jack knows, because he was there, but nobody else does or can. If you love me, you will never tell them."

"You don't get to make demands like that when youre leaving me."

"I'm not leaving you. We can still work together. I will still protect you with my life. In fact, that's why I have to end our relationship, so I can still be here to keep you and Jack safe."

"Screw that. I haven't been safe for years. I don't need or want safety. I want you."

"Not possible. Not now. I made a deal, for Jack."

"You sold a soul you don't have?"

"I offered myself to the Empty, in exchange for the Empty letting Jack go."

"No." she said, "No, you didn't do that."

"I thought it would take me at once, but it aid it would come for me when I am happy. You have always made me happy. If I stay with you, it could happen and then I won't be here for you or Jack or the Winchesters."

Jules sat on the bed. "Oh, Cas, you stupid, stupid fool! Why would you do that? How could you do that? You've been to the Empty. You know what it's like."

"Which is precisely why I could not condemn Jack to an eternity there. The place is worse than Hell."

"So now you're going there."

"I would anyway, eventually."

"You knew what this would do to me."

"No, at the time, I didn't. I had to save Jack. I did save Jack."

"By giving our future away?" she said.

"You'll still have all that you had before. We can even still hunt together."

"Is that all this is to you? Are we just hunting buddies?"

"I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Collateral damage?"

"Yes." he said.

"Did you even consider me for a moment?"

"No." he said. It was the truth, but he realised as he said it how cold it would sound to her.

"You never loved me."

"That isn't true."

"Maybe you were right when you said that angels couldn't love."

"I love you."

"People who love people don't throw them aside without a second thought." she said.

"I had to save Jack." he said, I couldn't see any other way."

"And you offered your life, believing you'd be instantly killed and you didn't think about me. I was nothing to you. I was less than nothing."

"The Empty was about to take Jack and Jack is the only one who can bring someone back from there. There was no time to think. I could offer my life or let him be permanently dead. But it didn't take me. It will leave me until I find happiness which, without you, will never happen."

"But you say we can't be together. So the Empty gets to rob you of everything and leave you here alone. And you can't even find love with someone else, because that might make you happy too."

"True. I'm fine with that. I'm not interested in anyone else."

"Or in me."

"I love you." he said.

"No. You don't know what love is. I was stupid to think an angel could." She took off her ring. "You'd better have this back."

"No, you keep it. I don't want to take anything from you."

"Too late. You just took everything from me." she said.

"I hoped you'd understand."

"Sadly, I do. You never loved me. You never could. There's nothing I can say to convince you, because you were never committed to this relationship at all. You just wanted to play at being human for a while."

"That isn't true."

"You don't know what's true. You're a fantasist, a dreamer and I should have known you never meant a word you said, no-one ever does. At least I know now why you'd never have sex with me. Kindness? Guilt?"

"I love you." he said.

"Liar."

"Obviously, the room is yours. You need to sleep and I don't."

"Forget it. I'll ask Sarah if I can move back to the farm permanently."

"You'd be safer here. I can protect you here."

"I don't need your protection, angel." she said, "Be proud of yourself, you had me fooled. You fake love well, for a heartless celestial. Nothing in you is real. Nothing between us was real."

"I had to save Jack."

"It's not saving Jack I have a problem with. It's that I never entered your stupid head. You didn't care. You never cared. Well, screw you. Now I don't care either." She stood and headed for the door. 

"Where are you going?" he said.

"To a bar, to drink until I can't feel anymore."

"Jules, I ... "

"You have nothing to say to me, now or ever. The Empty can have you. You have a lot in common!"

When she had gone, he slumped against the wall, his eyes closed and he wished the Empty had taken him before he could hurt her so badly that she had said those cruel, terrible truths to him. His throat released a howl of wordless grief and then his knees buckled beneath him and he ended up on the floor.


	4. Chapter 4

Dean was in the corridor when Jules approached at some speed. She was crying and that was unusual for her. "Jules?" he said, stepping in front of her.

"I have to go." she said.

"Go where? You just got home."

"Yeah, I thought so too, but this isn't my home now." she said.

"What's happened?"

An odd smile appeared on her face and she was almost laughing as she said, "I'm not allowed to talk about it. He wants it to stay between us. All I can say is that Cas and I are no longer together."

"What?" said Dean, "Jules, that's crazy!"

"Don't call me crazy."

"I didn't. I'm not." Dean realised that she was not in a state of mind to discuss it as calmly as they needed to and that the corridor was no place for such a discussion anyway. "If you need to go, I get it, but I don't want you driving when you're clearly upset. Can I take you somewhere?"

That had an immediate calming effect. She wiped her eyes and said, "You're probably right. I'm not exactly safe to drive. But honestly, I think Cas needs you here."

"Why? What happened?"

"He never loved me and I don't think he knew that. Now he does. Now we both do."

"He loves you. I know he does." said Dean.

"No, he doesn't. The way he just announced that it's over ... "

"Did he give a reason?"

"He gave one, but I can't talk about it. It was a good, cold, logical reason, but it was more how he did it, how he came to the conclusion that it was better to end it. I didn't enter into his decision at all. He admitted it."

"If he was so heartless, why do you still care what he needs?"

"I'm human. I can't turn off my feelings as easily as he can. It's not even his fault. I should have known no angel could ever love anyone."

"I don't know anyone more loving than Cas." He heard footsteps behind him and turned to see Sam. "Sam, Jules here needs a ride."

"Where to?" said Sam.

"Could you take me to Sarah's place?" said Jules, "I need to call first and check that she'll let me stay there. If not, there's a place in Wichita where I can rent a room."

"You're leaving?" said Sam.

"Temporarily." said Dean, "She and Cas have had some kind of misunderstanding and he's sabotaging the relationship again."

"It's over." said Jules, "In fact, it never really existed. He couldn't have done what he did if he loved me." 

"Well, I know he loves you," said Dean, "So it's a misunderstanding and I'll talk to him and he'll apologise and you, because you're such a good person will probably forgive him and things will be fine."

"No. Good person or not, I'm not staying with someone who doesn't care about me."

Sam came over to her and said quietly, "Whatever's happened, we care about you. You know that, don't you?"

"Yeah, I do. Thanks."

He hugged her. "If there are sides to take, we're not taking them. We love you both and we will do whatever we have to do to help you both through this, together or apart. Do you need me to get your stuff?"

"No, I have clothes and things at Sarah's. I'll be okay. My overnight bag is in the Jeep. I guess I'll have to come back for the Jeep in the next couple of days."

"Leave the logistics to us." said Dean, "We can bring the Jeep to you anytime. You just need to be in a place where you don't feel alone. Sarah's place is perfect. She'll take good care of you. If you need anything, anytime, just shout." He hugged her too and whispered, "You're the best thing that ever happened to him. He knows that, even if he's not saying it."

"I need to get away from here." she said.

"Yeah, come with me." said Sam.

"And if you need to flood my Baby with Shania Twain," said Dean, "Go for it. You get anything you want today."

"The only thing I want, I just lost forever." she said, "Tell Jack I love him. Make sure he knows this isn't his fault."

"It's not yours either." said Dean and she smiled, before turning to head to the garage with Sam.

Dean went to the room Jules and Cas had been sharing. He didn't knock, knowing he wouldn't be welcome. He opened the door and went in. Cas was sitting on the floor, looking like he'd been beaten down.

"You wanna talk about it?" said Dean.

"No." said Cas.

"I just saw Jules."

"Is she okay?"

"No, she's not okay. So, start at the beginning and tell me what happened."

"Our relationship is over."

"That's kinda starting at the end. I think you need to try again."

"That's all there is." said Cas.

"So one day, for no reason, you walk away from the only good relationship you ever had?"

"Yes." said Cas.

"No argument? No stupid choice of words that kicked off someone's apocalypse issues or celestial guilt?"

"We just decided it was better not to be together."

"You both decided that, in a mature, reasonable conversation? Because I just saw Jules crying in the corridor and you know she doesn't do that."

"Then why are you here with me and not taking care of her?"

"She thought you might need me more. She's with Sam. He's getting her out of here."

"She wants to go to a bar and get drunk. Under the circumstances, I couldn't ask her not to, but the thought of her alone and drunk and ... "

"I told you, she's with Sam and he won't be taking her to a bar. She's safe. Heartbroken and betrayed, but safe."

"I never intended to hurt her." said Cas.

"I know. So does she. But she thinks you never loved her, so neither of you is in a great place today."

"I'm fine." said Cas.

"Cas, you're on the floor."

"Like you've never been on the floor!" said Cas, getting up and sitting on the bed.

"What?"

"You've done dumb things too."

"So you know it was a mistake?"

"The relationship was a mistake. She's absolutely right. Angels can't love. I was pretending, to myself and to her."

"No. No you weren't."

"The only thing I can say in my own defence is that I didn't know I was pretending. It felt real. It still feels real."

"Yeah and it hurts like Hell, doesn't it?" said Dean, also sitting on the bed. "That pain, that says it was all real. You can love her. You do love her. And now you've screwed up and said some dumb things that you didn't mean and you made her cry."

"I know."

"And you think it's easier to just decide what you just threw away wasn't real and doesn't matter, but that's not easier. It's not sustainable. It'll drive you crazy."

"I was crazy to think I could have love."

"Stop that!" said Dean, "You have every right to seek and find love and so does she. All this is fixable and Sam and me, we're gonna help you fix it."

"I don't want it fixed. I can't have a relationship with her. We can still work together, hunt together, fight Michael together ... "

"Yeah, how do you think that's gonna work? She thinks you never cared about her."

"That's not true." said Cas.

"No, it's not, so we convince her it's not, you make a grovelling apology ... "

"No."

"What, your pride means more to you than Jules?"

"No."

"Good, then grovel. Ditch the pride and get her back."

"I don't want her back."

"Why don't you want her back?" said Dean.

"This is a private matter."

"You made my friend cry."

"I thought I was your friend." said Cas.

"You are. You also made yourself miserable."

"I deserve to be miserable."

"Listen, dumbass, this low self esteem crap has to stop! It's preventing you from holding onto a relationship you truly want to keep."

"No, I don't."

Dean sighed. He wasn't sure Cas was hearing himself, let alone Dean. There was something locked down about him. People under torture had that look, when they dissociated themselves from their pain. He hated the fact that he knew that and he hated what it told him about his friend's state of mind.

He put his hand gently on Cas's shoulder. "It's okay, buddy. We're gonna fix this."

"You can't." said Cas.

"We can, all of us together."

"No." said Cas.

"I know it seems like the end of the world right now, but you should have seen my Mom and Dad argue and they were soulmates."

Cas picked up a silver ring that was lying on the bed. Dean took it from him and placed it carefully on the nightstand. "We should leave that there for Jules. She's gonna want that back."

"No, she isn't." said Cas.

"The things she said, they were just because you hurt her. She didn't mean them."

"They were all true." said Cas.

Dean looked around the room. The brightly coloured silken scarves that Jules loved were all over the place and her ghost-proof denim jacket with the iron pieces and dangling silver chains hung on the door. Though they had never made it as far as sex, the bed was where they had spent most nights, cuddled up together, talking until Jules fell asleep. Every inch of the room must be a constant reminder to Cas of what he had lost. 

"Okay," said Dean, "Ages ago, Sam and I set one room aside for when we missed sharing motel rooms. Now that so many of the hunters have their own places, it's free again, so you and I can move in there until this is resolved."

"This is resolved now." said Cas.

"Did I suggest it was optional?"

"I'm fine here."

"You were sitting on the floor, Cas."

"I'm fine."

"Well, I'm not. One of my best hunters is a tearful wreck and my number one celestial has spilled his marbles again. You say I'm your commander. For operational reasons, I'm taking you into my custody until I know you're genuinely, honestly and really okay."

"I'll be fine."

"I know you will." said Dean, "We can fix all of this. Now, grab your stuff."

Cas stood and indicated his coat. "This is my stuff."

"Yeah, I guess it is. So, let's go. He stood up and opened the door. "You don't need to be in here until you and Jules are back together."

"We can never be back together."

"Would you care to explain why? I mean, what actually broke you up? I know you didn't sleep with someone else - you don't even sleep with her."

"I don't sleep."

Dean nodded. "Yup, this is gonna be hard work."

"And useless."

"Aren't you a an irrepressible optimist! Come on, my little ray of sunshine. I always have the bed by the door, by the way."

"I don't need a bed."

"I will punch you."

"You'd hurt your hand." said Cas.

"Worth it."


	5. Chapter 5

Sam had explained things, as far as he understood them, to Sarah over the phone. He had known what her response would be and she did not disappoint him. She urged him to bring Jules to her, of course she could stay. Sarah's house was a home to all of them, whenever they needed it.

In the Impala, Jules was quiet. She stared out of the window and blinked her tears away as if angry with herself for crying. She was angry with Cas too, though she said more than once that it was not his fault ... that he could not help what he was.

Sam kept hoping for more information, but she offered no details and whenever he tried gently to ask for any, she would just say she couldn't talk about it, that Cas had asked her not to. She was protecting his secrets, even after he had destroyed her happiness and Sam couldn't see that as anything but the purest, strongest love.

Cas loved her too. Sam had enjoyed a front row seat for their strange, uncertain courtship and the forming of a unique relationship, strong and honest and full of love.

When Jack had ... When Cas had called her to tell her, she had shared his pain, her love for the nephilim almost as strong as his. What he had heard of the conversation was as loving and supportive as ever. That had been their last communication until she had let him know she was on her way home. The unopposed text could not be the reason for this rift. None of it made any sense.

But Jack had given them all a scare and Cas more than any other and that was what Sam kept coming back to. He remembered his own devastation at the loss and how, when he had thought it the end of Jack, the hope and colour had drained out of life. He had seen Dean wracked with guilt and losing the will to do anything and Cas had feelings that ran deeper and were almost impossible for him to understand and maybe it had made him afraid of losing the other people he love and maybe this could be a pre-emptive strike, to kill a love he was terrified of losing. 

People and angels alike did crazy things out of pain and fear and Cas did more than most. Sam hoped it might be something like that.

If it were that, then it was just a matter of making Cas understand it. He would eventually grasp that his action was irrational and he would decide he still wanted to be with Jules and however angry she was now, she was a warm, kind, gentle person who would give him another chance.

Her hands were clasped tightly in her lap. The tears had stopped. Like all hunters, she had a lot of control over her emotions - at least over showing them. Sam knew she would normally never have allowed her distress to be seen and now she was making a conscious effort to appear stable and calm. 

He was glad that she had allowed him to drive her to Sarah's. Since her arrival at the bunker, he felt they had developed a good, open and respectful relationship and allowing him to help her in even this small way seemed to prove that. He and Dean both considered her their sister-in-law and that didn't change just because she and Cas were having a turbulent time. She was family and he loved her and although he hoped to facilitate a reconciliation between her and Cas, if that proved impossible, he would still support her in any way he could.

"I'm sorry to cause all this trouble." said Jules.

"No problem. It's not your fault."

"It's not his either." she said, "I know he never intended this to happen."

"Yeah, I think he's all messed up because of Jack." said Sam.

"It's not that. It's us. It was never supposed to happen. We were both so lonely and we both ignored the red flags, the sirens, the warning balloons, the flares ... We wanted it to be real. We lied to each other. We lied to ourselves. He meant well. So did I."

"Jules, what you two had was real. I saw it."

"No, it never was. We were just very good liars. He wants us to still work together. I don't know if I can do that." She was silent for a while, then she said, "Sam, it may be best if I go back to my own world, when we find a way to do that."

"We'd all be sorry to see you go." he said.

"I love all of you. The things you and Mary and Dean have done for all of us ... and Sarah is so kind. I love her as if she were my own mother. But Sarah's house is home to Castiel too. The bunker is his place. This world is his world. He'll be fine. He's probably already forgotten whatever feelings he thought he had for me. He can shrug off that stuff, because it never took root, but I can't. If I can't be with him, this world will be Hell for me."

"I can understand that." said Sam. Dean would have argued, but she needed his understanding a lot more than his perspective now.

"I'll miss this world. It's beautiful. I know it must seem crazy to you, going back to that dustbowl disaster, but I love the flowers and the bees and all of the green and so does he. For the first time since the apocalypse, I don't want to see a bee." A tear rolled down her cheek. She brushed it away.

"At Sarah's place, you can't really miss them." said Sam.

"I know. I'm not sure it's the right place to go."

"If you need another, there's always Jody Mills. She'd take you in without a second thought."

"In some ways, I think I should go there. Just forget I ever met that stupid angel. In other ways, going to Sarah's farm at least means I've got some good memories there. I don't know what to do."

Sam smiled at her. "You don't need to make any big decisions for now. Today, you'll be with Sarah, the most loving woman on this planet and she will consider it a personal favour if you let her take care of you. Any other decisions can wait until you're ready to make them with a clear head."

"Thanks. Sam, you're just being amazing."

"We love you, Jules. Whatever you decide, we're here for you, always."

"I was afraid I'd be alone once Cas ditched me."

"Family doesn't work that way. As far as I'm concerned, Cas has made a terrible mistake and I hope it will all be put right ... I know you don't think it will, but I genuinely think there's still hope."

"I wish I did. He was pretty clear about his feelings, or lack of them."

"Well, thats not Cas, is it?" he said, "Cas's normal emotional state is baffled."

"Maybe that was when he was going against his nature. Now he's back to clear, cool, competent factory settings."

"Whatever happens between you and Cas, you are one of us and we will never abandon you. Aside from other considerations, our Mom would never forgive us. She fought alongside you and she will never forget that."

"I love Mary."

"I know how it feels to lose someone you truly loved. If you need to talk, I sleep with my phone right by me. It's never switched off."

She took out her small, amateurishly bound leather journal. "Can you keep this for me?"

"Won't you need it?"

"He drew a picture of my brother for me."

"He never met your brother."

"I let him see a mental image."

"Oh." said Sam. He had not known that she had ever trusted Cas to look into her mind. Like most offworlders, her distrust of angelic powers ran deep. Of course, following Cas's betrayal, the image would only remind her how misplaced her trust had been. He noticed the bookmark a third of the way into the journal. "Is that an angel feather?"

She smiled. "A motel in Charleston. Things ... got a little frisky. I mean, if Dean hadn't called, we might have gone all the way. A feather fell onto the bed. Stupid to keep it, I know. Maybe I won't. Another decision I don't want to make today."

"Throw it onto the back seat. I can keep it safe for you." said Sam.

"Lucky we didn't ever make love." she said, "Imagine how crappy that would make me feel right now."

He nodded and smiled and knew as well as she did that she could not possibly feel worse than she did now.


	6. Chapter 6

Dean poured two glasses of whisky and gave one to Cas, who was sitting on the bed furthest from the door. He sat down on the other bed and said, "Drink it. You'll feel better."

Cas drank obediently. It was unlikely to have any effect at all, but it was hard to know what to offer an angel under those circumstances.

"You feeling talkative yet?" said Dean.

"There's nothing to discuss."

"Well, traditionally, after a break-up, you would find a friend and tell him all about what a bitch she was and how glad you are to be rid of her." said Dean, "Only you can't do that, because she wasn't and you aren't. Which raises the question, why the Hell did you do this dumb thing, Cas?"

"I had my reasons."

"Yeah, I'll bet you did. So what were they?" He felt bad, trying to force Cas to talk, but until he did, there seemed to be little chance of making sense of any of it and since inertia came naturally to angels, Dean felt he needed to take some kind of action because Cas would not, ever, unless pushed into it.

"Shouldn't you be looking for that spear?" said Cas.

"You know you're gonna tell me, so just tell me now." said Dean.

"There's nothing to tell. I don't love her. I never loved her. It was an honest mistake and I'm sorry that I hurt her, but I can't pretend to have feelings I don't. It was better just to end it. It was better for everyone."

"You are a lousy liar. Always have been."

"Where's Sam taking Jules?" said Cas.

"What do you care? You don't love her."

"I still care. She's my friend."

"No, she's not. See, a woman you ditch, for any reason, or none, she becomes your worst enemy, not your friend."

"They never forgive?" said Cas.

"Should she forgive you? The guy who said he loved her, then dropped her like a dead rat the moment things got a little complicated?"

Cas put his empty glass down on a shelf and looked down at the floor.

"Cas, focus." said Dean "Answer me. Respond. Interact."

"What answer is there? You're right."

"You're supposed to defend yourself. You're supposed to explain."

"What's the point?"

"You never loved her? That's the story you're going with?"

"Yes." said Cas, still not raising his eyes from the floor.

"Well, I know that's a lie. You're forgetting the mind link. I saw the fire when you thought about her. I thought I'd combust when you kissed her."

"Sexual desire is not love."

"So, it was just lust?"

"A concept you should understand well enough."

"Yeah, fine. You were just in it for the sex. Although, you two never actually had sex. And right now, this shutdown is just because the slim possibility of one day having sex with her is now off the table?"

"There's no shutdown."

"You're not even making eye contact." said Dean.

Cas looked up. "Better?"

Dean sighed. It wasn't. Cas knew what he wanted and was deliberately blocking every attempt to communicate. "Is it me?" he said.

"You?"

"We've had some difficult times lately. Is it that you don't trust me?"

"Don't be stupid." said Cas.

"Well, it's something. You used to talk to me about this stuff."

"You want to fix this. This can't be fixed. I'm merely avoiding a lot of time-wasting. We have bigger concerns right now than some stupid romance."

"That's what we're calling the love of your life now?" said Dean.

"Let's not call it anything. Let's just move on."

"You wanna move on? Already? From Jules?"

"I have no choice."

"You keep saying that. Of course, you know she'll move on too. She's not gonna sit around pining for some dumb angel who never appreciated her. Jules is too sensible for that. She'll find someone else. She'll even have sex with them." He waited for a response. None came. Cas was now staring at the left cuff of his coat.

"Hey, dumbass! Did you hear what I said?"

No response. The cuff seemed to be becoming ever more fascinating.

"Maybe I'll make a move. I mean, she was off-limits while she was my best friend's girl, but if you wanna move on ... Would you like that? Would you like to see me take Jules out on a date?"

"Would you do that?" said Cas.

"Not normally, but you seem so sure you don't care."

"It could be the perfect solution."

"It could what? What is wrong with you?"

"You two could be great together. I know you'd be good to her and maybe, with a hunter, you could finally be happy."

Dean couldn't believe what he was hearing. "And what about you? Would you be happy, watching me taking the girl of your dreams off to my room to ... "

"Happiness is overrated." said Cas quickly, "I don't need to be happy. In fact, I don't want to be happy."

"You have lost your mind." said Dean.

"Are you going to make a move?" said Cas.

"No, of course I'm not. Even if it weren't obvious you're still in love with her, I'd never go after a friend's ex. I don't have many rules, but that one's set in stone."

"You do have quite a lot of rules." said Cas, "Your code of honour is fairly strict. I've known orders of knighthood who live by fewer rules."

"Stop changing the subject." said Dean.

"I didn't. You did."

Dean watched him staring at his cuff for a while. To a stranger, he might seem confused or stoned, but to Dean, it was an obvious and very deliberate façade. Cas was in distress, it was true, but he was also using every trick in the book to shut down discussion.

Under the circumstances, Dean felt justified in using a trick or two of his own. He poured himself another glass of whisky and then put the lid back on the bottle and threw it onto the bed beside Cas. As Cas poured his own, Dean said quietly, "Are you moving on from our friendship too?"

In another situation, that would have been cruel. Not long before, just after Michael's possession of him, he had doubted Cas constantly and now he no longer did, but if fear of that doubt being solidified made Cas open up, it was worth the small deception.

Slowly, Cas looked up from his sleeve and gazed sadly into Dean's eyes. He seemed about to speak but then didn't and Dean felt a sudden chill, as if the fear he had pretended to feel had become very real.

"Cas?" he said.

Cas swallowed the whisky in one gulp.

"Say something, Cas."

"Why are you so angry that I broke up with Jules?" said Cas, suddenly.

"I'm not."

"You are and you're becoming more angry all the time."

"I just don't wanna see you throw away your best chance for happiness."

"Since when do we get to be happy?" said Cas.

"We are gonna make you happy if it kills me." said Dean.

"It might kill me." said Cas, then he quickly said, "We need to fight Michael."

"Yeah, we do. So maybe we need to end this domestic drama by agreeing there were faults on all sides, but basically you and Jules are still crazy about each other and you can just put it behind you and embrace your happy future together."

"We have no future together!" said Cas and there were tears in his eyes and his tone was angry and full of pain.

For a moment, neither said anything. Cas was staring at the floor again.

"What happened, man?" said Dean gently, "None of this makes any sense."

"If you're my friend, stop asking." said Cas.

"I am your friend. I'm trying to help."

"Nobody can help, not even you. I'm not talking about this anymore." said Cas.

Dean lay back on his bed and stared at the ceiling. He'd always felt he was an okay friend, but Cas was swamped with pain he couldn't discuss, Jules was devastated and nothing Dean said or did was having any effect but to make Cas even more resistant and resentful.

"How long do you plan to handle this alone?" he said.

"Eternity." said Cas.

"Well, good luck keeping Sarah from asking questions."

"Have you given up now?" said Cas.

"For now, yes."

"Thankyou."

"You're stubborn and stupid and you know you don't need to do this alone. You also don't need to do this at all. You love Jules."

"And you don't think she deserves better than stubborn and stupid?" Cas stretched out on his own bed. "I think she always deserved better." he said, "And now, she agrees with me."

"Sam would know what to say to you. Sam will know. This is not over." said Dean.

"Everything is over." said Cas.

"And what, exactly, does that mean?"

"It means I'm tired of pretending I can have anything that I want."

"You can have everything you want, you just don't want to have it, because having it means engaging with life and taking risks and trying once in a while."

"You're right."

"I am?" said Dean.

"Always." said Cas and Dean wasn't sure whether he was being sarcastic or not.


	7. Chapter 7

Sarah was coming out of her house before Sam had stopped the car. As the got out, she drew Jules into a warm, maternal hug. "You come inside, child. I just made a pot of tea. Sam, dear, you'll stay for a little while, I hope."

"Of course." he said. He took Jules's overnight bag from the car and followed the women into the kitchen.

"I'm so sorry this has happened." Sarah was saying. "I love Castiel so much, but sometimes, he makes terrible mistakes."

"He made a big one when he decided to play at being in love with me." said Jules.

Sarah poured three large cups of tea. "Sit down, Jules. You're home now."

Sam smiled and sat opposite Sarah, with Jules between them. He knew this little farmhouse in Ionia was the closest thing to a home Jules had in this world. He could relate to that.

"I wasn't sure whether it was right to come here." said Jules, "I don't want to put you in a difficult position with Castiel."

"Whatever happens between you, I love you both and nothing you do or say, together or apart will ever change what I think of either of you." said Sarah. Sam found himself hoping that Dean was being as diplomatic and supportive with Cas.

"It's only temporary. I need to find a place where I won't be seeing him. I told Sam, maybe I'll go back to my world, when we can reopen the rift. I'd miss you and the Winchesters, but I would never have to think about Castiel again."

"It seems a very drastic move, given the state of that world." said Sarah.

"I know, but I don't want to be hanging around him like a ghost, ruining his life and my own."

"I'll confess, I was hoping there would be some doubt over whether this is truly the end, but you seem very sure."

"I know now that he never loved me."

"Well, I have to respectfully disagree on that."

"He thought he did and he tried to, but he didn't." said Jules.

"Sam seemed a little fuzzy on what actually happened to convince you of that." said Sarah.

"I cant tell you. He wants it kept between us. He has reasons for that."

"And you can't tell me those, either?"

"I can tell you that his motives are the best, even when his actions are the dumbest of the dumb."

"I'd agree with that." said Sam, "But he loves you."

"I wish I could tell you how I know that isn't true, but I can't, so just accept that I have my reasons too."

"We do, my dear." said Sarah, "You're the fairest person I know and the least likely to jump to the wrong conclusion. Whatever he has done, I'm sure you sincerely believe that it proves he never loved you. All I ask is that you consider whether it might leave room for another interpretation."

"I promise you, I'm trying hard to come up with one. That may be my fairness coming through or it may just mean I'm pathetically clinging to the wreckage and telling myself there's still a seaworthy ship there."

"Believe in the ship." said Sam, "Even the best sometimes flirt with the reefs a little. Is there anything you want me to say to him when I get back?"

Jules sipped her tea quietly as she thought about it. "Just tell him, the stuff I said ... the cruel stuff ... I was just hurt and upset. It's not his fault he can't love anyone."

"Could I leave the last part out? Because the worst thing I could say to him today is that he's incapable of love."

"Then don't say it. Just say that I understand, but it's hard to accept that it's over. I can and I will, but I need some time."

"Do you want me to take his things out of your room?" said Sarah.

"Just his notebook." said Jules, "I always wonder what's in it and I don't trust myself not to look."

"You know, most women would look just out of spite." said Sam, "You clearly still care a lot."

"Not a good thing, Sam. I wish I could hate him and do something spiteful and just be over it. Right at the start, I thought I shouldn't let myself get too attached. He's an angel. It's not like they're known for their gentle, loving natures ... not by those who have met them. He was so sweet. You shouldn't invest too much in one person, especially someone who doesn't have a soul."

"I know he technically doesn't have one," said Sarah, "But in all the time I've known him, I've never felt his love was less than sincere."

"Me either." said Sam.

"But it must seem very much that way to you." she said to Jules, "And however much he loves you, the way he's making you feel is not what you deserve. I know you think of me as his friend first, but yo're a daughter to me and nobody, whatever their relationship with me, has a right to make you unhappy. He may want to come here to talk to you. If he asks, I will ask you. He will not get near you until you are ready to talk to him. If I have to, I will banish him."

"You'd really do that for me?" said Jules. 

"There's very little I wouldn't do for you." said Sarah. She turned to Sam, "And obviously, if he needs to talk to me, I will go to the bunker at any time to see him."

"I'll make sure he knows that." said Sam.

Sarah's smile turned a little sly. "And not just him. If you ever decide to stop pretending we don't need to have that talk ... "

Sam raised a hand in partial surrender. "I told you, after Michael is defeated."

"I will hold you to that. Don't think I won't."

"For now, just take care of Jules."

"I will." said Sarah, "Please, Jules, take your time over any big decisions, especially irreversible ones. If going back to your own world is what you truly want to do, of course I'll support your decision, but if you want to stay in this world, I'll be very happy. And if you and Castiel can be reconciled, even happier."

"I'm sorry. I don't think there's any chance of that."

"Well, only you know how you want things to be. Just give yourself time. All this has happened so fast and you need to recover from the shock before you think about the big things. So rest here, take long walks and longer baths, listen to music as loud as you like, eat cookies and ice cream and talk to me about anything that comes to mind. I'll always be listening. I'll always care."

Jules nodded. "I love you, Sarah. Since the day I met you, you've been the kindest, most sympathetic friend I could ask for. I'm just so glad I didn't lose you when I lost Cas."

"I should be getting back to check on Cas." said Sam, standing up. "Jules, is it okay if Dean and I bring the Jeep over tomorrow?"

"That would be great." she said, "Thanks for everything, Sam and please thank Dean for me too. Without you too, I'd be in a bar somewhere, drinking myself into oblivion."

"Family always has your back." said Sam. He bent to kiss her cheek. When he straightened up, he looked at Sarah. "You're always here, whenever we need you."

"And I always will be, while there's breath in my body. Tell them both I love them and tell Dean this one is not his problem."

"He won't believe that." said Sam.

"I know. Tell him anyway. Castiel will be in a downward spiral right now. If he's not talking about this, talk about something else, but keep him focused on something other than his failures and fears."

Sam nodded. "I'll do my best. You two take care of each other. I'll take care of Cas and, if necessary, Dean."

"That's always necessary." said Sarah, "You should also cast an occasional glance at the other Winchester."

"Mom?" said Sam.

Her look told him she was not fooled. "No, the evasive one."

"He's okay."

"Be kind to him anyway." she said.

"Yes , ma'am."


	8. Chapter 8

Cas looked across at Dean, who was watching him in return. "I know you want to help," he said, "And I hope you know that I am grateful to have your friendship and that my strange, confusing life is so important to you."

"It's not that strange or that confusing." said Dean, sitting up.

"A lot of the time, I don't understand it." said Cas.

"You know, you and I have a lot in common." said Dean, "There are a lot of people I hate so much I can't stand the thought of them having anything good in their lives. Difference is, none of them are me."

"Are you sure none of them are you?" said Cas.

Dean seemed to consider it. "Okay, not many of them are me. But when did you ever see me throwing away something good for no frickin' reason?"

"Well ... "

"Rhetorical! You and Jules have something special. She gets you on a level even I don't and you and I have been through a handful of apocalypses together. She laughs at your jokes. She's patient with all of your crazy."

"There isn't much crazy."

"Cas, you are buckets of crazy. Can you give me one good reason why you want to let her go?"

"I don't."

"Of course you don't. So call her now, tell her you made a mistake."

"I don't want to, but I have to and she understands and accepts that, so why can't you?"

"Reason?"

"Why didn't you stop Crowley from dying like that?" said Cas. A moment later, he regretted it. It seemed to point too clearly to his reasons for ending the relationship.

Fortunately, Dean seemed not to make the connection. He looked puzzled. "Because I had no idea he was planning to sacrifice himself. Sam didn't know either."

"And if you had known, you would have stopped him?" said Cas.

"Of course I would. I tried to stop you. I failed, of course. Why bring that up now?"

"Just trying to talk about something else." Cas lied.

"What exactly did Jules do or say that made you want to end the relationship? Did she want a commitment you couldn't give?"

"She understood that I could make no commitment beyond the one engraved on the ring." he said.

"Did she put pressure on you about the fact that you still haven't had sex?"

"She did nothing, said nothing. She is blameless. I did everything. I alone am to blame."

"Okay. What did you do?"

"I ended the relationship."

"Because ... ?" 

"Because it was wrong to stay with her when I didn't love her."

"You do love her."

"No, I don't. Ask her."

"Sit up straight, look me in the eye and tell me one true fact about what happened."

Cas sat up. "I'm not lying." he said.

"Yes you are and you're lying badly, which is an insult. At least pretend you don't think I'm stupid."

"I don't think you're stupid." said Cas. That, at least, was the complete truth. He almost wished Dean were stupid, because it was becoming very difficult not to give anything away under his relentless interrogation.

"Let's go through yesterday and today."

"No. Let's not. Jack died."

"And now he's back. So why be squeamish? Jack died. You called Jules and told her he was dead. Did she say something unkind? Did she seem uncaring?"

"No." said Cas. Jules had wanted to instantly turn for home. He had told her to deal with the wraith first.

"Lily came through for us, you got Jack back. You fought the Empty for him."

"I don't want to think about that."

"Yeah, the soulful blue eyes don't work on me, Cas. Sarah and Jules fall for the wounded kitten look, I don't. Did something happen in Heaven?"

"I fought the Empty. I got Jack out of Heaven. Then you called him back into his body."

"And you were still happy with Jules, still fine with the relationship?"

"Yes." said Cas. It was true. It was only when Jack had asked what he would say to her that the full horror of what he had done became clear.

"Last night, you called Jules again, told her Jack was saved. I heard you tell her you loved her. Were you lying?"

"Not consciously."

"She loves Jack as if he were her own son. She was as happy as you were that he was safe. Today, did she call you and say something spiteful?"

"No. She sent a text to tell me she'd be home by ten."

"As deal-breakers go, that's pretty slim." said Dean, "So be honest with me, for how long have you been planning to ditch her? Because deciding five minutes after she got back this morning makes zero sense."

"I never asked you why you ditched Lisa." said Cas. It was cruel and it was dangerous, but he was getting desperate.

Dean walked out, slamming the door behind him. Cas would have preferred him to throw a punch. Now he had wounded two of the people he loved most in a single morning.

He didn't hear departing footsteps, which meant Dean was still outside the door. He knew he should go and apologise, but he had at least stopped Dean asking questions he could not answer.

Then the door opened and Dean looked in. "Tell me it's not because of me."

"What?" said Cas, genuinely lost.

"Tell me you didn't ditch her because you thought I wanted you to or because you thought you'll be more useful to us if you have no-one to protect."

"I still have Jack to protect and I don't intend to stop protecting Jules either."

"Just answer the damn question."

"You are not in any way the reason for my decision. Neither is Jack or Sam or Jules herself. My decision was mine and made only for my reasons."

Dean seemed incredibly relieved. "Good. Okay."

"I shouldn't have mentioned Lisa."

"No, you shouldn't."

"Forgive me."

"It's forgotten." said Dean, who had never forgotten a thing in his life.

"I should go back to my room. All I'm doing today is hurting people."

"So you wanna go hurt yourself? Not happening."

"You can leave me alone, Dean. I won't do anything stupid."

"No? You don't think this whole situation is stupid?"

"Thinking I could love a human without consequences was stupid. I think everything I've ever done in my life was stupid and so do you. You've said so, often."

"Yeah, you know what? I do. Because you got free from Heaven's rules and you could have had anything you wanted, including a life with someone like Jules and instead you waste your freedom on a friend who never deserved you, a kid that isn't yours and an old woman who keeps bees and the person who could have loved you for the rest of her life, who put up with your stupid insecurities and your selfish selflessness and your insane guilt loops ... Her, you dumped without a second thought, because being with her was too hard. Too hard for a frickin' angel who fought Raphael and won."

"You have an odd idea of winning." said Cas, not daring to acknowledge that he heard the rest and that every sharp little barb had found a purchase in his heart.

Dean didn't need to hear that. He had known Cas too long and too well not to see it on his face. "Cas, I didn't mean any of that."

"I think you probably did." said Cas, "I wish I could say that all of it is wrong. Sarah is more than an old woman, Jack is my son and it's I who don't deserve the friend and never can, but the rest is fair. The rest is true."

"Look, I need to clear my head. I'm saying all the wrong things. I'll send Jack with some coffee for you."

"I can be left alone, you know." said Cas.

"I know, but do you want to be?"

Cas thought about it. Jack was the one person he didn't have to lie to. "Send Jack." he said, "And Dean, I'm sorry."

"Say it to Jules, not me."

"I'm not sorry I set her free. Everything you say about me is absolutely correct and she shouldn't have to deal with me."

"I wish I could make you listen. I wish I could make you understand."

"Dumbass angels!" said Cas.

"Yeah, dumbass angels!"


	9. Chapter 9

Jack didn't take long to arrive. He knocked lightly on the door and Cas said, "Come in, Jack."

Jack came into the room, looking slightly troubled. "Dean sent me. I think he wants me to find out what happened with Jules."

"No doubt." said Cas.

"What did happen with her? Not for Dean, for me. When you nodded, I thought you'd decided not to break up with her."

"Is that what you were trying to tell me to do?" said Cas.

"Of course."

"Oh."

"Why?" said Jack, sitting down on Dean's bed.

"I thought you were telling me to end it quickly and avoid causing her more distress than was necessary."

"So you went through with it?"

"Yes. I had to."

"How did she take it?"

Cas hung his head, unable to look Jack in the eye. "Badly. She hates me now."

"Oh." said Jack.

"Which is good. It'll be easier for her to move on. Dean thinks she'll soon find someone better than me. Which is good." he said again. He looked up hopefully, wanting Jack to believe that so he could.

"Dean said that? He told me you don't know what you're doing."

"Well, Dean doesn't know what we do, does he? And you haven't told him, have you?"

"I promised I wouldn't." said Jack.

"Sorry. I shouldn't doubt you. I need to know he will never find out. Where is he now?"

"Firing range. Cas, he will find out if the Empty takes you and when he does, he won't be happy."

"Well, first, it may not happen in his lifetime. In fact, while Dean is alive, the chances of my finding any kind of happiness are slim to none. Second, when it happens, I have no doubt, Dean will have other things on his mind."

"And if he doesn't."

"Then your job is to make sure he does."

"You think I can just distract him from your death?"

"You did last time. Point him in the direction of something to fight and my disappearance will become something he wonders about when he can't sleep, not a burning injustice he must deal with."

"Last time, he blamed me for your death. He hated me because he thought I got you killed."

"This time he won't. Besides, you can tell him about the deal when it's happened."

"You really think, 'I didn't cause his death, he offered his life to save mine.' has a level of nuance Dean will be able to grasp when angry?"

"I'd leave a note, but I'm sure in his current state of mind, he wouldn't hesitate to search my belongings."

"I still think you should tell him." said Jack.

"Like you told any of us the truth about your 'cold'?" said Cas.

Now Jack lowered his eyes a little guiltily.

"We do what we have to do to protect those we love." said Cas, "I wish you'd let us know you were sick a lot sooner, but I know why you didn't."

"And when the Winchesters find out, you know they will wish you had told them sooner."

"Yes."

"Because maybe they can find a way to free you from the deal."

"Maybe. And maybe it will involve Sam or Dean or you exchanging your life for mine. I'll tell you a secret, Jack. My life isn't worth saving. Not at that price."

"It is to me." said Jack.

"When your full strength and powers return, you will be a force for good such as this world has never seen."

"If I ever reach a point at which I can use my full powers again, I will be what you taught me to be. Whatever victories I have will be your victories. Whatever good I do will have come from you."

Cas smiled. Jack meant every word and Cas believed in those victories with all his heart. "I was prepared to die at the whim of Heaven." he said, "But that is a far better cause to die for."

"I need you alive." said Jack.

"And I intend to stay that way for as long as I can, which is why I will not risk happiness ruining everything. The Empty will have to wait. It won't like that. And that pleasure, I can allow myself, but not the happiness of warm, real, reciprocated love. Not some moment in the future when I know she will always be with me, because that kind of thing might make the Empty come for me."

"So the Empty gets to keep you unhappy forever? You know that's what it wants, right?"

"So we both get what we want. I see you fulfil your destiny, I keep Jules safe, I keep the Winchesters safe and the Empty gets the mild satisfaction of knowing that I'm wading through the same river of crap as every other living being on the planet. As deals go, it's not the worst."

"What did Jules think of it?" said Jack.

"Jules was emotionally involved."

"So am I. So are the Winchesters. Nobody is going to be detached about this. You're throwing away your life."

"The alternative was throwing away yours and that was never an option."

"Without you, what am I?"

"With or without me, you are this world's hope. I am, at best, a fallen angel who keeps tripping up again."

"Is that what the Winchesters would say?"

"Dean said almost exactly that in the past hour."

"Sam says you sometimes hear stuff nobody says."

"He said it. I can recite everything he's said to me. Not much of it is good."

"Dean loves you."

"My best friend and he thinks that of me."

"I don't think he does." said Jack.

"You weren't here."

"I got you out of the Empty once."

"You did." said Cas, not adding that there was no chance the Empty would ever again make the mistake of letting him go.

"I won't leave you in that place. I'll do whatever it takes."

"I'm asking you not to. Whatever it takes could be far too much."

"Then tell Sam and Dean. Let them find a way."

"They need to fight Michael. They don't need distractions and side quests."

"You want to die."

"No." said Cas, "Life, even when unhappy, beats the alternative. I just feel no very pressing need to outlive my usefulness. I will try to be here for as long as I can and I have plans for when I am not, but in the end, I don't regret the deal. I never will. My life for yours, my folly for your greatness, my silence for their peace of mind ... This is right, Jack. There's a kind of poetry to it."

"No, Castiel, there isn't." said Jack.


	10. Chapter 10

When Sam arrived at the bunker, the only person immediately available was Maggie, who was handling the phones. She didn't know where Dean was and a quick search of the kitchen, the library and both their rooms gave no sign of Dean or Cas. He texted Dean, saying, "I'm here. Where are you?"

"Guns." Dean replied.

The brevity of response was normal, but Dean heading to the firing range after spending the morning talking to Cas was rarely a positive sign. Sam went to the firing range and found Dean cleaning his gun. "How's Jules?" he said.

"I think we have a problem." said Sam.

"Ya think? I know we have a problem. We have a stupid, self-destructive angel trying to sabotage his own happiness so Heaven doesn't have to put too much effort in."

"No, I think we have a bigger problem than that." said Sam.

"Listening."

"Jules is upset and angry ... "

"As she should be."

"Yeah, fine, but she's not confused."

"Well, that makes one of us." said Dean.

"She understands why he wants to end the relationship and she agrees it has to end. That worries me."

"She thinks he never loved her. Hell, even he's trying to say that now."

"Maybe she does, maybe she doesn't, but there's something else."

"What?" said Dean, putting the gun away.

"I don't know, she won't talk about it, but if she just felt unloved, there would be nothing for her not to talk about. This isn't a misunderstanding. Something happened, something big. Whatever it was, it turned their rock steady relationship to jello."

"And this thing made her think he never cared?"

"I think so. Has he said anything?"

"As little as possible and he keeps trying to change the subject. I tried to narrow down when it happened, but he's not playing. He says it's his fault, not hers or mine or Jack's."

"How would it be yours?" said Sam, suspecting relationship-shaking stuff had happened between Dean and Cas too.

"You're not listening. He said it wasn't mine."

"Yeah, okay." said Sam, "Got it."

"I need you to talk to him. I've tried everything but he just sits there, looking at me or looking anywhere but at me and he talks like it's all over."

"It could be that it is." said Sam, "Like I said, something big happened and it's something bad ... so bad that he's afraid to tell us and she won't tell us either."

"It has to be him, right? Jules is like, pathologically honest. If she'd done something or said something, she'd come right out and say it."

"She says it's not his fault ... that he can't help what he is."

"So it's just angel stuff. If Naomi has gotten inside his head, I swear ... "

"If we could just hold off on another war against Heaven for five minutes ... " said Sam.

"You haven't spent a couple of hours watching him shut down."

"We don't know what happened and we can't exactly force either of them to tell us."

"Jack's with him now. If anyone can get him to open up, it's the kid."

"And if none of us can? It may be that he has to work through this on his own. You were happy when he started setting boundaries. So was I. It's growth. And sometimes, those boundaries are going to exclude you and me."

"Those boundaries just became a prison wall for a jail with a population of one. He's suffering cruel and unusual punishment and so is Jules. So if you think I won't try to break him out ... "

"Dean, maybe you should take a step back. All kinds of things are going on here and some of them could trigger your angel issues."

"Are you saying I'm still under Michael's influence?"

"I'm saying that you may not have the objectivity to help Cas right now. Not long ago ... "

"It's because of not long ago that I need to make sure he's okay. I've put him through too much this year and now, maybe, I can fix this."

"And if you can't?"

"He said he doesn't want happiness."

"Did he say why?"

"No, there is no frickin' why, just constant repetition. It's over, it was never real, he doesn't need to be happy. Every time I try to ask why, he clams up. I honestly wanted to hit him."

"I'm glad you didn't." said Sam.

"I tried to make him jealous. Suggested that I might be interested in Jules if he isn't. He gave us his blessing. I mean, that's not normal!"

"Selflessly bowing out so his friend can be happy with the woman he loves? Sounds pretty normal for him. He's not human. His responses are not human."

"Maybe she's right and he can't love. Maybe they're both right."

"We know they're not." said Sam. Dean was worrying him. He'd said it so Sam would reassure him that it wasn't true. "Where is he now?" he said.

"Motel room. I'm gonna keep an eye on him at night until this is settled."

"I'm not sure that will help either of you. He doesn't sleep. You need to."

"I need to help him a lot more. You should have seen Jack's face when I told him Cas and Jules had split up. He looked shocked. He knows it's bad."

"Let's not get Jack too involved. After what happened, he needs some time to recover."

"I know, but if he can just get Cas to talk ... "

"It could be that leaving Cas in peace will give him a chance to decide he wants to tell us about it."

"That ... Cas is stubborn."

"I know he is."

"You think Jules might crack? Maybe I could talk to her."

"I think we need to leave Sarah to deal with Jules for now. She's talking about going back to her world when she gets a chance."

"She can't do that."

"Of course she can do that." said Sam, "It's her world, her home."

"If Cas hears that, maybe he'll decide he doesn't want her to go."

"I don't think we should tell Cas."

"Why not? He has a right to know!" said Dean.

"You think it'll change his mind about it being over? It's a very permanent goodbye."

"He needs to know what the stakes are."

"He needs not to have all that finality thrown in his face. I don't think she'll do it if he gives her the slightest reason not to, but if he knows she's thinking about it, she may feel she has to go through with it."

Dean seemed to accept that. He nodded. "Everything I've said to him today was wrong."

"Stop trying so hard. We may have to let him come to us."

"And if he doesn't?"

Sam shrugged. "There's still Sarah."

"I feel like I'm watching him destroy himself, Sam."

"I know. None of this is easy. But there is some good news. She still loves him very much."

"That's only good news if he can believe it." said Dean, "Otherwise, it's just another layer of tragedy."


	11. Chapter 11

The room was oddly quiet when Sam and Dean approached it and they exchanged uneasy glances. It took Sam a second to remember that both celestials would have heard them coming. Dean knocked on the door. He opened it and they both went in.

"What happened to the coffee?" Dean said to Jack.

"I forgot." said Jack, "When you said about Castiel and Jules, I just needed to know he was okay."

Dean nodded. "Good enough. Let's go get some now." It wasn't even slightly subtle, but Cas, sitting on his bed, barely reacted to the obvious invitation to Jack to report on what had been said.

When Dean and Jack had left the room, Sam sat on Dean's bed. "Hey, Cas." he said.

"Hello, Sam." said Cas.

"I took Jules to Sarah's. She'll be safe there."

"Thanks." said Cas.

"It's been a rough couple of days for everyone." said Sam.

"Yes." said Cas.

"And you did great, by the way, saving Jack, getting us Michael's location. MVP, definitely." He deliberately veered away from the things Cas was refusing to discuss onto a subject they all cared about. "How's Jack doing?"

For the first time, Cas seemed interested and involved. "Much better." he said, "No coughing, no dizziness, no weakness. Jack's well and strong, at least for now."

"And he's feeling positive?"

"In Heaven, he got a chance to talk with his mother. I think it helped more than anything else could. Kelly was proud of him. That's so important to him."

"Yeah, that moment when you know your Mom loves you and believes in you, that's everything. It's great that she got to see who he is. She was always so sure about his goodness and now she knows how right she was."

There were tears in Cas's eyes. Sam wondered if part of the reason for them was that Castiel had never experienced unconditional love or real pride from a parent. His only parent had specialised in aloof disregard and punishing failure without ever praising success or effort.

"Seriously, Cas," he said, "We owe you everything. Jack too. You've always done so much for him."

"What do you mean?" said Cas, alert, wary and worryingly guilty.

"I just mean that without you, Jack wouldn't be here. Without you, he'd never have had a chance, or that resurrection."

"Oh."

"Why? What did you think I meant?"

There was a long silence, then Cas said, "I don't need to be supervised."

"No, I know you don't." said Sam, "Just humour him for a while. I think he needs to take care of you a little."

"People end relationships all the time. Dean is not exactly fond of commitment himself."

"No, he's not." said Sam.

"Do you think I treated Jules badly?"

"It's hard to say, when I have no idea what happened. She's not talking about it, by the way."

"Good." said Cas, "It's private. It's between us."

"Did you know she has an angel feather tucked in her journal?"

Cas looked down, abashed. "Yes. It's one of mine. I think she keeps it in case it's needed for a spell."

"Yeah, I'm sure that's exactly why she keeps it." said Sam "Spell supplies, obviously."

"Well, clearly." said Cas. He looked into Sam's eyes for a moment. He didn't seem sure whether Sam was being sincere.

Sam waited a while, considering his words before he offered them. "I's very difficult for us, Cas, because we're worried about you, but we also want to respect your privacy and not demand any information you don't want to give."

"I don't want to give any information." said Cas.

"And that's your right." said Sam.

"Dean doesn't think so." 

"Dean's just scared. Seeing you unhappy ... it messes with his head."

"He said I was stupid."

"He doesn't mean it. If I said you were stupid, he'd knock me down."

"I said I was stupid and he agreed with me." said Cas. 

Sam was starting to feel like a kindergarten teacher. "You're not stupid. Dean's trying to tell you that he thinks you made a mistake in ending your relationship with Jules." he said, "We know what Jules means to you. We're a little at a loss to know how all that suddenly gets thrown away."

"You know I'm not stupid, so you know I have a good reason."

"We know you have a reason." He saw the shoulders stiffen and the face become expressionless. One more bad choice of words and Cas would stop listening altogether. "Hey, you wanna get out of here? Go for a drive, maybe? We could take Jack."

"No. I'll stay here, but Jack would like that."

"It's not always a good idea to sit around brooding about bad stuff that has happened."

"Has anyone mentioned that to Dean?"

"Why do you think I keep him busy hunting?" Sam tried to think of anything else that might distract an angel for a few hours. "You need some hobbies, Cas. Maybe, this year, Sarah will get that swarm of bees for you."

"I forgot about the bees." said Cas. The way he said it chilled Sam to the soul.

"You forgot? That beehive on the roof has been a major concern of yours for months and you don't even have bees in it yet. All those flowers you planted ... "

"Other things on my mind." said Cas, "Maybe it's a bad idea. It's a big commitment, keeping bees."

"It's not like it's time-intensive, Cas and if you teach me what to do, I can help."

"So, if I weren't here ... If I went to Alabama to hunt whatever there is to hunt in Alabama, you'd take care of the bees?"

"Of course I would."

"I know you'd take care of Jack too and Jules. I know that."

"Always." said Sam, worried at how little like a plan to visit Alabama this sounded. "Is there something on your mind?"

Cas shook his head and fell silent again.

Sam tried to think of anything he could say that wouldn't sound like an attempt to pry. He felt as if Cas wanted to say something or ask something, but his terrible secret made it impossible. Maybe he thought he'd done something they couldn't understand or forgive, though he should know by now, whether they understood or not, they would always forgive. Maybe he thought his troubles were too much to burden them with. 

Angels had some impressive qualities, especially the speed and complexity of their thought, but sometimes they slipped up a little on the connections that human minds found easy. Sam hoped he could make use of that. He needed to make an oblique approach, side-stepping the elaborate traps and alarms Cas had in place for any clumsy, direct attempt to elicit information.

"How did Dean seem to you?" he said.

Cas was instantly concerned. "Is there something wrong?" he said.

"Hard to tell. You know Dean. He's not exactly an open book."

"More of a sealed library." said Cas.

"Exactly. Do me a favour, Cas. Keep an eye on him for the next few days. If I ask too much, he'll retreat or start slamming doors and that's not helpful. I think there's a lot on his mind and I think he wants to tell me, but he's afraid to because ... well, he's Dean. He doesn't want to be any trouble. He's afraid to admit a weakness. He's scared that I'll decide he's not worth caring about."

"He should know you better." said Cas.

"He should know me better. He really should. You know I would never leave my brother to deal with anything alone. I mean, that's what the Pact's all about, right?"

"Of course." said Cas, "Do you have any idea what's bothering him?"

"Not really, but I know something is. Honestly, I wish he'd just tell me, because not telling me is not helping anyone."

"You know he's equally worried about you, don't you, Sam?" said Cas, "Maybe you should talk to him too."

"Maybe. What we need around here is more openness." said Sam, "Trouble is, if we just come out and say it, he'll get all defensive and secretive. So just try to draw him out a little, okay? Because he's cautious around me, but he drops his guard around you and Jack."

Cas nodded. "Obviously, I'll do whatever I can."

"And don't tell him you've changed your mind about the bees. That's as bad as saying you're not going on the road trip."

"The road trip." said Cas quietly. Then he looked at Sam and said, "We both know, the road trip won't happen."

"Don't tell him that, either. He needs hope."

"So what do you do for hope?" said Cas.

"If you three are okay, so am I. I just need my family. How about you, Cas? You feeling hopeful?"

"Jack's alive and well. I don't need hope. I have certainty. He will change this world."

"Because you brought him back to us."

"Not alone, Sam." said Cas.


	12. Chapter 12

Dean rinsed the coffee pot and watched Jack putting the cups on a tray. "How are you doing, kid? And don't lie, because I am sick of being lied to today."

Jack smiled. "I don't need to lie. I feel great."

Dean watched his face. The boy was no poker player and he didn't seem to be lying. "And how's Cas?" He started to make the coffee, never taking his eyes off Jack.

"Not happy." said Jack, "But breaking up with Jules ... "

"Have you found out why he broke up with Jules?"

Now Jack looked distinctly uncomfortable. "He doesn't want to discuss it." he said.

"I was hoping he might, with you."

"I did try to talk to him about it."

"Getting him to do something he doesn't want to do is almost impossible. Keep trying."

"I'd do anything to help him." said Jack.

"I know you would. So would I, though I'm not sure he believes that, these days. He really doesn't trust me."

"I don't think that's true." said Jack, "I think it's more that he wants to handle stuff alone."

"He can't handle this stuff alone, because he doesn't know what he's doing. All he wants is to be with Jules. He gets everything together, makes a real commitment to her and then runs for the hills. Does that make sense?"

"Not really." said Jack, "What hills?"

"The hills are figurative."

"Right. Okay. Yes."

"Metaphor, Jack. I don't get why Jules is going along with this. She's just giving up on him because he made one, stupid mistake?"

"I thought they'd be together for the rest of her life. They seemed so happy together." said Jack.

"They were happy together and they'll be happy together again. I'm not giving up until they have their relationship back."

"Maybe neither of them wants it back." said Jack.

"Well, she didn't seem overjoyed about the ending and he's a wreck, so I'm gonna say no."

"I know you know him way better than I do ... "

"Not necessarily. You and Cas have a special bond that nobody else could have with him."

"If you want my opinion and I know it's probably not worth much ... "

"Are you turning into Cas? Stop putting yourself down and speak."

"I think the best thing you could do now is make him feel less alone. He needs that. He needs you. You've always meant more to him than the rest of the world combined."

"I'm not sure about that."

"No, I know, but I am. Whatever his reasons for ending things with Jules, now he's done it, he feels isolated. Maybe he can't talk about it, but he needs to know you're there for him."

Dean nodded. "I agree. Whatever's going on in that stubborn, rock-hard skull of his, he needs to know he's not alone."

"I think that's more important than us knowing all the details."

"I still want to know the details."

"I know you do and I'll keep trying to get him to understand he needs to share them, but if he can't or won't, he still needs us. In fact, if he can't tell us, he'll need us more. Castiel fears exile more than anything else."

"Exile?"

"Being driven from the only place he feels at home. Being rejected by the people he loves."

"He loved Jules and he rejected her." said Dean.

Jack nodded. He looked uneasy. Dean could hear him trying not to suggest that Dean was equally afraid of being rejected.

"When you're older," he said, "You'll understand this stuff better."

"Yes." said Jack and Dean had the uncomfortable feeling that he understood it pretty well already.

"You could be right, that he needs a reminder that he matters to us. Sometimes, maybe I forget to tell him that the reason I get so frustrated with him is that ... Well, it doesn't matter. I'll make more of an effort."

"You've always been a good friend to him." said Jack, answering a question he hadn't asked and telling him his anxiety on that point was too obvious.

Jack noticed it a moment later and said, "I'm sorry. It's none of my business."

"No, kid, if you see something, say something. It's fine." He remembered how it felt, to be the peacemaker in a family full of hotheads, to try to tell Sam and his dad how they were pushing all of each other's buttons without detonating either of them himself. "This family needs you." he said.

"It needs you more. When you were gone, everything fell apart."

"Sam did okay." said Dean.

"Sam worked miracles, but without you, we were all a mess."

Dean smiled. "You're a good kid." he said. That was what his father had always said to him, instead of "I love you," because for some reason, it was easier. He wanted to break that cycle and tell Jack how he really felt, but it would feel weird for both of them and he was trying not to let emotions cloud his judgement as he dealt with the impossible angel and his screwed up love life. "You're a great kid." he said, "Also, you're not a kid. I know that, even if I sometimes forget it."

Jack smiled as if, somewhere in all that meaningless babble, he heard, "I love you." anyway. "We should take some cookies." he said. Sarah's love of baking kept the bunker well supplied.

"Yeah, we should." said Dean.

Jack fetched the jar from the shelf and laid some out on a plate. Cas didn't need to eat, but sometimes he liked to and he liked Sarah's cookies a lot. Dean understood why Jack was looking for any way to make Cas feel better. He felt the same need himself and the same helplessness.

"I promise," he said, "We will figure this out. One way or another, we will make things better for Cas."

"He never asks for anything." said Jack.

"No, he never does." said Dean.

"He's made so many sacrifices for me, risked all he had."

"He thinks you're worth any sacrifice. Truth is, he was always right about you."

"I want him to have the life he deserves." said Jack.

"That's what we all want. We'll make sure it happens, however stubborn he is. We'll make him happy if we have to drag him to happiness in Enochian handcuffs."

Jack smiled. "I don't know if we can, but I know he deserves to be with Jules."

"Yeah, he does and she deserves him." said Dean, "Maybe we could bribe a cupid to ... "

"Making them love each other is not the problem." said Jack.

"True." said Dean, "It's making them understand that they need to be together and that they deserve to be. You know, sometimes, I just want to puch him until he understands that he is a good person and has a right to love."

"I'm not sure he'd ever get that message from being punched." said Jack.

"Well, he'd at least know I was willing to break my hand to convince him."

"Maybe we should ask Sam for ideas." said Jack carefully.

"Sounds like a good idea. He's better with all this emotional stuff."

"Yes."

"I'm really a pretty terrible friend." said Dean.

"Did you tell him he's a fallen angel who keeps on falling?" said Jack.

"No, of course I didn't."

"No, I didn't think you did. You're a good friend. He's just sometimes not great at understanding what you say."

"Sometimes, what I say is less than friendly. Sometimes, I say the dumbest, unkindest things."

"Nobody's perfect." said Jack.


	13. Chapter 13

Sam watched the return of Dean and Jack with some trepidation, but initial signs were good. Jack put the tray on the table and Dean patted him on the shoulder and handed out the coffees. When Cas took his, Dean's hand rested for a moment on his shoulder and Sam felt his fears subside. It was what Cas needed most, a gesture of solidarity.

"Have a cookie." said Jack, "They're Sarah's."

Cas looked at the cookies uncertainly. 

Sam was still trying to work out what the problem was when Dean picked up a cookie and put it in Cas's unresisting hand. "Thing about Sarah," he said, "She doesn't care if you're talking or you're not. She doesn't mind if you're making mistake after mistake and lying through your teeth to her about it. She only cares that everyone gets a cookie." However harsh the words seemed, his voice was gentle and Sam knew he was talking about himself, more than Cas. "Eat it." he said, "Guilt is unnecessary. Sarah's hurt for you, not by you."

Cas took a bite.

"There you go!" said Dean, smiling. He walked away to sit down on the far side of his bed, making the situation as unconfrontational as he could. Sam gave him a nod of approval.

Jack sat on the bed beside Cas with his own coffee and cookie. "It's good to be home." he said.

"Best place to be, always." said Dean.

Cas still wasn't relaxing his guard for a second. He mostly watched Dean, but his eyes sometimes darted to the other two, alert for any sneaky attempt to question him.

"Jack, we should get you a car." said Dean, "You drive pretty well and it would give you some independence."

"I'd like that." said Jack.

"Maybe a few more lessons first." said Sam.

"Sam's probably right." said Dean, "But I'll be looking out for something suitable. You need something with a bit of attitude. You're a Winchester. You need to drive around like one."

"Sounds good!" said Jack.

"There has to be a reward for coming back from the dead." said Dean.

"What was yours?" said Jack.

"Mine was a good friend." said Dean, looking at Cas.

"Mine was a son." said Cas. Jack's answering smile was beautiful.

"We've all been through a lot together." said Dean, "I think that's important. I think it's a hell of a lot more important than whether some of us occasionally fail at the communication stuff ... or all the frickin' time, in my case."

"I agree." said Sam.

"Of course you do. I learned it from you." said Dean, "I can learn a lot from you, when I stop to listen." He looked at Cas. "I want to know what happened with Jules and I need to find a way to fix it, so I'm not gonna apologise for asking over and over."

"Dean ... " said Sam.

Dean ignored him and went on, "But whether you talk or not ... whether it's fixed or not ... even if you sabotage everything good in your life from now until the end of time, when you look up from the wreckage, I'll be the one standing ready to help. I think you're doing dumb things now, but which of us hasn't? I want you to tell me what's going on, but whether you can or not, I'm never gonna cut you adrift."

Cas said nothing. He seemed afraid to speak.

"I know." said Dean, "I'm no good at this stuff either. Don't need a response. To be honest, probably couldn't handle one. Just need to know you heard and understood."

Cas gave a slight nod.

"Good." said Dean, "And the mind link? I know you won't want it back while you have secrets to keep, but my objections to it are gone. So when you're ready, let me know."

"What about Michael?" said Cas.

"Michael will soon be dead." said Dean.

"The scars he left on your mind ... "

"What doesn't heal, we have to live with." said Dean.

"If the link reopens, you'll feel vulnerable like you did before."

"I overcame it then, I can overcome it now."

"He means it." said Sam, "Maybe you should consider it."

"He can't." said Dean, "He doesn't want me going through every nook and cranny of his mind. And I would. I'd tear it apart trying to find the truth. I can't change who I am. I can't not care that he's hiding things."

"I tell you almost everything." said Cas.

"You tell me almost nothing."

"There's not a lot to tell. I am far less complicated than a human."

"There is nothing uncomplicated about you." said Dean.

"I'm sorry." said Cas.

Dean shook his head. "Stop apologising and just tell me!" he said.

"I can't." said Cas.

"Can you at least say why you can't?" said Dean.

"No." said Cas.

Dean looked at Sam and Sam hated the fact that he couldn't help either of them. He could see Dean struggling to hold back angry words that would do no good at all. Eventually, his voice straining to remain reasonable, he said, "I wish you could tell me. I wish you could trust me, but whatever happens, everyone in this room owes you his life and I owe you so much more than that. Whether you want it or not, you have an army to support you. You have a family."

"I trust you." said Cas.

"Clearly not, but it's okay. I haven't exactly been the most trusting soul myself. I know the Michael stuff damaged our relationship. That's on me."

"No, it isn't." said Cas.

"I can't claim to be the best friend in the world, but I may be the most persistent. You'll find all three of us impossible to shake off. Whether you believe it or not, you're important to us."

"Thanks." said Cas.

"That's right." said Jack, "We're here whatever happens."

"I do trust you." said Cas, "All of you. Trust me that I have a reason why some things must stay private."

"I do." said Sam, "But whatever that reason is, I wish it didn't exist."

"So do I." said Cas, "But it's nothing, really."

"Nothing?" said Dean. There was an edge of anger in his voice again.

"It's of little consequence to anyone but me."

"Is it of little consequence to Jules?" said Dean.

"If you're trying to evoke guilt, there's no need. I hate the way I treated Jules. I knew from the start that love was not a possibility for me."

"Bull!" said Dean, "You loved her. You still love her."

"That doesn't justify making promises I couldn't keep." said Cas.

"You made few promises and you kept them all, until now." said Dean.

"Whatever you think of me, the thought is justified. I did not intend to hurt her, but intention means nothing. I broke a heart I had no right to touch."

Dean's head slumped forward in frustration and surrender. "If you hated yourself just a little less, you and Jules could have had forever."

"This life has no room in it for love. Haven't you told me that, more than once?"

"My life isn't your life." said Dean.

"Well, my life is yours to command in everything but this."

"The one area where my judgement is better than yours." said Dean.

"I rely on your judgement in everything, except this." said Cas.

Sam could feel the tension growing. An argument seemed inevitable if they didn't change the subject. "What kind of car did you have in mind for Jack?" he asked Dean.

"Something to turn heads." said Dean, "Something in red, with some horses under the hood."

"Not an Impala." said Jack, "I don't want her to be jealous."

Dean smiled at him. "I like you ki ... Jack."


	14. Chapter 14

Jules had gone alone to her room, which still felt more like Cas's room to her, to rest, but there was no peace there. As soon as she lay on the bed, she felt the absence of strong arms around her and a shoulder on which to lay her head.

Even her hand on the pillow looked wrong, without the ring she had worn almost constantly since he had given it to her, responding to the chaos of losing Dean with a firm commitment to her, when he had been almost sure he should just disappear. "Yours while I am mine." it said. He had not told her many lies, but that was the cruellest and it didn't help at all to know that he had not known it was a lie. He knew his own heart almost as little as she knew it.

Nothing he thought he felt was real. How could it be? Angels were never meant to love humans. They had been created without the capacity and she had known that.

But his eyes had told lies of their own and she had heard his heart beat faster as she rested her head on his chest and he had kissed her as if he meant it. Of all the terrible relationships in her life, that had been the one she had believed was real.

She was angry with him and that was unfair, because he hadn't deliberately won and then broken her heart. She was angry with her own stupidity and that made more sense, because she had known better.

But it had felt so good to be held in his arms, to wake at night and find him watching her, always awake and always devoted to her. After years of being alone, being with him had felt real.

He was an angel and what did angels do but inflict pain? Unlike his kind in her world, he had not done so for amusement, but in ignorance and he had caused himself pain too and guilt and regret. She wanted to forgive him, but the gaping hole where her heart used to be wouldn't let her. She wanted to move on and embrace a life of solitude, but she craved his touch and yearned to hear his voice.

She knew that all her thoughts were selfish. What he had done to himself went beyond an emotional upset. He belonged to the Empty and she knew that in principle, all angels and demons did, but he had chosen the Empty, to save Jack. 

Of course Jack mattered more to him than she did, even if he had ever had feelings for her, that would make sense. Jack was his child. Jack was also his salvation. Cas lived his life weighed down by the burden of his mistakes and saving Jack from everyone who had wanted him dead, teaching him to be good, watching him grow in wisdom and compassion ... those things had brought him peace and hope. 

Jack was everything to him and she had seen the joy he found in every moment with Jack and the love the sweet nephilim felt for him. She couldn't find it in her heart to be jealous of Jack. Jack deserved such a father and had never taken his love for granted or manipulated him in any way. Jack deserved his love much more than she did.

She didn't know how long she would hold on to the anger. She only knew that, for now, it was easier to deal with than the pain of her loss and the miserable prospect of a life without him. He hoped they would still work together and remain friends, but she could not imagine ever looking at him without needing to tell him she loved him.

How could she still love him, when she knew love was not even real for him? But she did. She loved stupid things; the way his head tilted when he was confused, the shy look he gave before attempting a joke, the slight blush of pleasure to his cheeks when someone appreciated the witticism, the way Heaven's best spoke of the Winchesters as if they were infinitely better than he could ever be. He spoke with awe of their many sacrifices, but of his own, absolute sacrifice, he would not tell them.

That sacrifice, she knew, should be the only focus of her thoughts. Of course she could not have the love of an angel. She had been stupid to imagine it for a moment. She should be glad that she had come to know him as a friend and fellow hunter. She had known years before that romantic fantasies of any kind were a waste of time for her. She'd never had whatever it took to inspire a lasting love in any man and she, in her arrogance, had thought she could matter to a celestial.

All the self-pity in the world would not change the reality of the situation. Nor would it free Cas from his deal, but something had to. She excelled at research. She spoke eleven languages. She was a qualified engineer, a professional problem solver and she had all the resources of the Men of Letters bunker at her disposal. 

She needed to get herself together and start work on saving Cas, not so that they could be together, because that was never going to happen, but so that the only good angel she had ever met could continue to live, a father to Jack, a brother to the Winchesters, a valuable asset to those fighting for humanity.

When he was safe from the Empty, or she had a convincing plan to break him out of there, she could quietly depart to her own world, to live out a lonely existence in a landscape that embodied the desolation she felt or to die, fighting a war already comprehensively lost. Suicide was against her nature. She could never make herself go through with it. To die in battle was better.

Live or die, in her world, she would never again have to see the light in his eyes that had been so beautiful to her or hear his voice explaining why they could never be together, but first, she must know that he would not be dragged off to the Empty, a place more cruel than Heaven, Hell or Purgatory.

She knew what she should do, bury herself in books and find anything that might help or call Rowena and ask for her assistance or anything other than just lying on her bed, wallowing in a loss she should have known was inevitable. She hated every stupid, selfish tear that blinded her to her clear duty, but they fell anyway, until the pillow beneath her was soaked and her eyes stung.


	15. Chapter 15

It was agreed that Sam should brief those who needed to know of the split. Sam could keep it simple and avoid both Dean's attempts to make it sound like a silly misunderstanding that would soon be put right and Castiel's view that it was a complete termination of the relationship and had always been inevitable. So Sam went to find and inform the relevant people, whilst reminding everyone that Rowena must not be told anything about it and Dean and Jack stayed with Cas. It was not entirely comfortable for Dean, who had hoped that it would all be fixed before any announcements became necessary.

"If this is an official break-up," said Dean, "We need to make some decisions. For example, permanent living arrangements. If you need another room here, you can use this one."

"I don't need one." said Cas, "I never really had much use for a room. I have few belongings and no need for sleep."

Dean looked at his watch, not because he needed or wished to know the time, but because he needed a moment to quell the irritation he felt before it turned to anger. It felt as if Cas wanted to diminish his links with the bunker, maybe as a first step to moving out altogether. Dean was sufficiently self-aware to know that at least half his annoyance about it sprang from old abandonment issues and more recent doubts about angels.

That didn't mean that he could dismiss the fear as irrational. There was every chance that Cas, resigning himself to a life without Jules, would want to cut his ties with all humans and leave a home that no longer felt safe or happy to him. If that were his decision, he had a right to leave and Dean almost wanted to tell him to go, because, if it had to happen, it should happen soon.

He knew what Sarah would say to that and he didn't pretend, even to himself, that it made sense. He may not have made much progress on changing the dumber patterns in his life, but he was beginning to recognise them.

"You're angry again." said Cas, an unwarranted apology in his eyes.

"No." said Dean.

"You do look a little angry." said Jack.

"I'm not angry, okay?" he said angrily.

Jack moved closer to the wall and tried, uselessly, to appear unafraid. Cas looked more concerned than frightened.

Dean made himself lean back a little and tried to relax his arms and shoulders. "I'm not angry." he said quietly. He didn't want to say more. That should be enough, but he knew it wasn't. "I'm not angry." he repeated, "I'm just worried that we're gonna lose you."

"That won't ... " Cas stopped talking, which did nothing to calm Dean's fears. Then, looking directly into Dean's eyes, he said, "This is my home. You are my family. I will not willingly leave you or Sam or Jack."

"You left Jules." said Dean.

"Not willingly."

"By choice." said Dean.

"No. I had no choice."

"Tell me why."

"I can't." said Cas.

"Then how do I know that I'm not next?"

"Because I'm saying so."

"And when you 'unwillingly' have to walk out on us?" said Dean. He was aware that he now sounded like a kid. He had said too much and Cas was looking at him with evident anxiety. He headed for the door.

"Dean ... " said Cas.

"What?"

"Don't go. Please. I've lost too much today."

Dean turned to look at him. "You pushed her away."

"I know." said Cas, looking so unhappy that Dean could not walk out.

"It was a dumb thing to do." he said.

"I know it seems that way to you."

"And if you'd just swallow your pride ... "

"What pride? I have never been more ashamed in my life."

"Then just call her. Tell her you screwed up. I know Jules. She'll forgive you."

"Even you won't forgive me." said Cas, "Besides, I did what I did because I had to."

"So you keep saying." said Dean. He looked at Jack, still looking nervous in the corner. "Jack, go watch something or something."

"Will you be okay?" Jack said to Cas.

"Yes." said Cas, "Get out of here."

Jack left. Dean sat down on his bed. "Believe it or not, I am trying."

Cas gave him a half smile. "Yes."

Dean sighed. "I stink at this stuff."

"I wish I could explain." said Cas.

"I wish I didn't need an explanation. Falling a little short of unconditional friendship here, aren't I?"

"I don't know. Are we still friends?"

"Of course we are, Cas, didn't I say we always will be?"

"Sounds unconditional to me."

"But I keep asking ... "

"I would too." said Cas.

Dean bowed his head over his clasped hands, wishing he knew what to say and wishing he could keep his own stupid abandonment issues out of this situation that was really none of his business. He tried to convince himself that his only motive was to help Cas and Jules, but he knew he was also terrified of seeing his family crumble around him, as he had been since early childhood.

"I scared Jack." he said.

"You scare all of us, at times." said Cas.

Dean looked at him and smirked. "Thanks, Cas, that's so reassuring."

Cas nodded. "I'm no better at this than you are. What a team!"

"You're the best friend I ever had." said Dean.

"That may be the saddest thing I ever heard." said Cas, his eyes twinkling.

"You ever walk out on me, I'll hunt you down."

"I told you, never by choice."

"Yeah and never because you 'have no choice' and as we're on the subject, we are done with you sacrificing yourself, okay? It must be my turn to die for you."

"There is no circumstance in which your death would benefit me in any way." said Cas.

"I'm serious. You die again, I'll kill you."

"Noted." said Cas.

"Last time ... "

"Let's not talk about that." said Cas quickly.

"Just don't, okay. Don't die. Don't ditch me."

"How can I promise not to die?" said Cas.

"Come on, Cas. I don't ask for much."

"Just the impossible."

"Yeah. You're an angel. I figure the impossible is your thing."

"I'm not great at the mundane." said Cas.

"Excuses, excuses."

"I sometimes wonder why you tolerate me."

"And that's precisely the kind of thinking that just robbed you of the best thing in your life." said Dean.

"Maybe, but at least she was in my life, for a while. All memories but today's are happy ones."

"You can't live on memories, Cas. Memories trap you in the past, break your heart in fifty different ways. They stir up a longing they can never satisfy. You become a ghost in your own life."

"She loved me." said Cas.

"I think she still does. You could still ... "

"Dean, stop. Do you think I'd have left her if I believed for a second that I could be with her? You don't know my reasons and I can't tell you, but an you at least trust that I know them?"

"You didn't even know you were in love at the beginning." said Dean.

"Then maybe I never had a chance of starring in my own little romance."

"Don't say that. Don't pretend you don't deserve to be happy."

"The things I've done? I deserve to rot."

"I've done worse things. What do I deserve?"

"Everything, Dean."


	16. Chapter 16

Sam knew something was wrong as soon as he saw Jack coming towards him. He looked a little shaken.

"What's happened?" said Sam.

Jack didn't speak until he was right in front of Sam, then said, very quietly, "They sent me away. I think they may fight. Dean seemed very angry."

Sam felt less concerned, not because Dean wouldn't take a swing at his friend if his mood took that turn, but because if he were sending Jack out of the room and not instantly lashing out, he was in control of his anger and was not about to hit anyone.

"I'll check on them." he said, "But don't worry. Dean can't hurt Cas. Cas won't feel a thing."

"Not physically." said Jack.

Sam nodded, acknowledging his concern. "I'll make sure they're both okay." he said.

He knocked on the door and went in. He was relieved to see that they were sitting peacefully. Dean was even smiling. "Everyone who needs to know knows." he said, "How are you two doing?"

"Nephilim telling tales?" said Dean.

"He was a little worried." said Sam, "Cut him some slack. The kid's been through a lot."

"That's why we sent him out." said Dean, "Don't worry. We're great, aren't we, Cas?"

Cas nodded. "We're fine."

"Pact fine?" said Sam.

"Fine in every conceivable sense." said Dean, "Look, I got more agitated than I intended and Jack thought I was angry. I wasn't angry."

"Okay, great. Dean, why don't you go grab some burgers? A little drive, some fresh air ... "

"I just said ... "

"And I believe you, but I know this whole situation is a lot for you to deal with, so get out of here, breathe some air that hasn't been pumped into the bunker and lose some of the tension. You didn't get angry and that's good. How about we keep it that way?"

"I'm not gonna get angry." said Dean.

"No, you're fine. I need to talk to Cas about Jules and I think both of you would rather I did it without you around. Besides, burgers, Dean."

"Okay. But no salads. You eat with me, you eat actual food."

"Extra bacon, if you like." said Sam.

"You want a burger, Cas?" said Dean.

"No, thanks." said Cas.

"You want ice cream?" said Dean.

"Why does he get a choice?" said Sam.

"He's having a rough day." Dean pointed at Cas, "Well? Ice cream?"

"Yes?" said Cas, warily.

"Good." said Dean, muttering as he left, "Getting a decision from an angel ... "

When Dean had gone, Sam sat in his place and said, "So, how are you really?"

"Really fine." said Cas.

"You don't have to be, you know. When things like this happen, it's okay to need to vent, rant, cry, anything. You have friends here who will listen."

"And knowing that is honestly wonderful." said Cas.

"But you're still keeping us at a distance."

"Dean still keeps asking about why."

"We're all wondering that. I won't ask why, okay? If you feel you want to tell me at any point, I'd love to know, but it's your choice. It has to be. But we do need to discuss Jules. Is that okay?"

Cas nodded. "It's okay. How is she?"

"Unhappy." said Sam, "Your rejection was a little abrupt and it shocked her. Didn't confuse her, though, which is interesting."

"You said you wouldn't ask. How is that not asking?"

"I'm not asking. I'm just letting you know that there are things I know and they suggest lines of thought and maybe, at some point, we'll be able to work out what happened and why."

"You could just stifle and control your curiosity."

"I can try, but you're kind of important to us and I think this is a much bigger thing than an argument over the toothpaste."

"What toothpaste?" said Cas.

Sam smiled. "You needed us to help you work out how to respond to a kiss. Maybe you shouldn't bear the burden of a whole break-up alone."

"Stop asking." said Cas.

"Okay. Stopping. So, Jules is unhappy, but she's safe. You know Sarah will take good care of her. Sarah's not taking sides, either, but you need to go through her if you want to talk to Jules. Don't just call or text Jules, okay?"

"How could I have done it better? How could I have avoided hurting her?" said Cas.

"Honestly, Cas, I don't think there's a painless way to end a relationship. Every break-up stinks."

"My only regret is that I hurt her."

"Your only regret?"

"The only one that matters." said Cas.

"You talk like a final chapter. You talk like the future has ceased to exist. You're ranking your regrets and deciding the ones about your own unhappiness mean nothing to you. Plans you were committed to are meaningless and forgotten now."

"Things were different before."

"Before you broke up with Jules or before whatever happened ... happened?"

"Nothing happened." said Cas.

"I know you still care about Jack."

"Yes, of course."

"And you still care about Dean, clearly."

"Yes."

"And you care about your ex."

"Don't call her that." said Cas.

"With respect, Cas, if it's really over, that's what she is."

"Not if she were never mine in the first place."

"Are you telling me she has someone else? Because I don't believe you."

"No, I'm telling you I had no right ... "

"Cas, stop that. Heaven's dumb rules don't apply to you. Heaven doesn't apply to you. Team Free Will."

"Don't call her my ex. Don't call her my anything. Dean says we can't even be friends."

"You're asking Dean for relationship advice?"

"I don't have a relationship." said Cas.

"Sarah says she's there any time you want to talk."

"Isn't she angry with me?"

"Is she ever angry with you?"

"She should be. I treated Jules badly."

"We all know that was not what you wanted to do. We all know you're hurting as much as Jules is. Even Jules knows that. She feels bad about the things she said."

"When you see her, tell her I hold her blameless in all things. Tell her I am truly sorry that it ended this way. Tell her nothing she said was wrong or unfair or untrue. She was right about everything."

"Can I tell her you love her as much as you ever did?"

"No. That would be cruel. She thinks I can't love her, so let her go on thinking that. It's easier for everyone."

"But you admit that you do?" said Sam.

"How do you stop loving someone like her? I have known galaxies less fascinating. I have seen whole worlds with less love in them. I will love her for as long as I exist."

"You know, if you told her that ... "

"We can't be together."

"Yet you'll love her forever?"

"You and I both know forever doesn't exist. Archangels or entropy, at some point, I'll cease to exist."

"She's mortal. There's every chance you could have been with her for her human lifetime. It's more than most of us can expect."

"Every chance is meaningless. Time after time, everything I thought I could have has been snatched away. The only certainty in this whole, chaotic universe is loss. Maybe it's best if she hates me, then her loss will feel like a lucky escape."

"Does yours?" said Sam.

"Angels are not blessed with the ability to deceive themselves." said Cas.


	17. Chapter 17

Jules only knew she had slept for a little while when she was woken by a knock on the door. "Come in." she said.

Sarah came in with a small tray. "I didn't think you would have had a lot to eat today." she said, "I know it's an odd kind of lunch, but Dean always finds my apple pie and ice cream very soothing in difficult times like this."

Jules sat up. It was so typical of Sarah to find some small, practical way to show her love. "Thankyou." she said, taking the bowl and spoon.

Sarah put the tray down on the desk and sat on the edge of the bed. "How do you feel?" she said.

"Just so stupid." said Jules, "I wanted to believe so much that I ignored all the warning signs, including him telling me, repeatedly, that he could never have a real relationship with me. I should have listened."

"You two had a very good relationship." said Sarah, "You understood him on a level that nobody else could."

"I didn't understand him at all." said Jules. She ate some of the hot pie. The flavour was a little dulled by the bitter taste of her grief, but the warmth and sweetness were comforting.

Sarah watched her eat for a while and then said, "You've chosen not to tell any of us anything about what happened and I respect your loyalty to him, but if there's anything you can tell me, I want to understand and to help if I can. This thing that he did that proved he never loved you ... "

"Don't worry. It wasn't anything brutal. It wasn't a betrayal or an infidelity or an abuse. It was just something that showed that I was not important to him. And before you say it, I never expected him to put me before Jack or the Winchesters. I just wanted to register somewhere on his list of priorities."

"With the understanding that I don't need specifics, could you at least tell me in vague terms what happened?"

"They'd have to be very vague."

"I accept that." said Sarah.

"He made a decision that affected me and he admitted he hadn't considered me for a moment."

"This decision ... Was it something directly concerning your relationship?"

"No, it wasn't." said Jules.

"A big decision?"

Jules nodded, unsure if she should say more.

"A quick decision, made in a moment of crisis?"

"Yes, but I really can't say anything else about it." said Jules, "The only thing he wants from me now is my discretion."

"And he specifically asked you not to tell me?"

"He doesn't want the Winchesters to know. I think he's afraid you'll tell them."

"Because he thinks there is reason for them to become worried about it?"

"Yes."

"Do you think we should be worried about Castiel?"

Jules knew the answer she gave or withheld would tell Sarah far too much, but she felt that to lie would be as big a betrayal of Cas as to tell them all everything. "He would want me to say no." she said.

Sarah nodded. "Then I won't ask you for more, but I'd like to say something in his defence."

"If it's that he loves me, I'm sorry, but I don't believe he can."

"It's that he is an angel." said Sarah.

"I know. His limitations are not his fault. Look, I was angry at first, but now I get it. I don't hate him. I just wish I'd understood sooner what it meant, that he is an angel."

"It mostly means that he is so intelligent and so sophisticated that we can't begin to imagine how his mind works. Ask him to evaluate an issue from every angle and he can give you every tiny nuance. So we tend to think of angels as broad, wise thinkers and their decisions as wholly rational."

"Yes." said Jules.

"Of course, you and I have known Castiel well enough to know that there are times when he is impulsive and reckless and does things that make no rational sense whatsoever."

"Also yes." said Jules.

"We tend to forget that, when under pressure, their thinking becomes focused ... almost linear. They don't evaluate or speculate. In times of crisis, they come up with the most obvious solution to the immediate problem, whether that is smiting a city or doing something self-destructive to save someone important from annihilation."

Jules looked into Sarah's eyes, knowing her words had not been chosen by chance. Sarah had worked out most, perhaps all of it.

Sarah smiled at her. "What I'm saying is that, if he made a vital decision in saving Jack, his angelic nature would make him forget everything but saving Jack. An angel chooses whatever solution first presents itself and to a being created to be willing to lay down his life for any Heavenly cause, the obvious solution might well be self-sacrifice of some kind. In those circumstances, it wouldn't be that you didn't matter to him or that he chose not to consult you. It was that nothing but Jack's plight existed for him."

Jules felt a little flicker of hope in her heart. It didn't alter the horror of the fate Cas had chosen or the necessity of their parting, but it could explain the choice that had seemed so cruel and so dismissive of her pain. It was possible that he had truly loved her. She was surprised at how much more bearable the thought of having to make her own sacrifice became when it was for someone who may have loved her and may still love her.

She would somehow accept that their relationship had to end. Sadly, that still made sense. If it were true that he had loved her, then she was not a complete fool and he was none of the things she had angrily accused him of being. That was the one bad thing about it. If he had loved her and still did, the things she had said must have hurt him deeply.

"I said such bad things to him." she said, about to cry again.

Sarah took her hand. "My dear, you were heartbroken."

"I knew what I was saying wasn't fair."

"I think I would have said some choice things too." Sarah admitted.

"You know how sensitive he is, how he takes things to heart. He must be feeling so bad now."

"As are you."

"I don't matter." said Jules.

"Now you sound like the boys." said Sarah, releasing her hand, "The two of you can talk, when you're ready."

"What will you tell Sam and Dean?" said Jules.

"Is there anything they can do now, to save him?"

"If there were, I would already have told them."

"I'm assuming his sacrifice is either deferred or conditional."

"Yes." said Jules.

"And you know about it. Does Jack?"

"Yes. He was there."

"Then there are two people who love him, working on the solution and I'll do all I can to help, of course. If we find out there is a solution and it needs Winchester help, we can talk about betraying him then. Meanwhile, we can try to persuade him to tell them himself."

"I don't think he will."

"He can be a stubborn, cussed little angel."

Jules smiled. "He can."

"So, do you think you and he ... "

"No. His sacrifice comes due if he is happy."

"Oh, that's cruel. I'm so sorry."

"I wish I could unsay all the things I said. You know why he wants to avoid the deal coming due? So he can be here to protect Jack and me."

"That does sound like Castiel."

"Sarah, thanks for helping me to understand. At least now I know he did care."

"He does and always will, Jules."

"Yes." said Jules, "He must feel so alone right now."

"Would you like me to go to him tomorrow and tell him that you understand?"

"Yes. And tell him ... " Jules looked at her ringless finger and said, "I don't know what I want to tell him."

"You have time to think about it, my dear." said Sarah, "For now, just take things easy. Trust the boys to take good care of him. They love him as much as we do."

"I bet they're not saying stupid, cruel things."

Sarah hugged her. "Don't be so hard on yourself. He still handled things very badly."


	18. Chapter 18

Cas needed to make certain preparations and he couldn't make them with Sam Winchester in attendance. "Am I allowed to leave this room?" he said.

Sam seemed surprised by the question, though he must have seen how firm Dean was being about keeping Cas in sight. "Of course!" he said, "Of course you are. I know Dean seems a little ... Well, Dean is Dean and he's being a little over-protective, but nobody wants to imprison you."

"I'd like to take a walk. I need some air." said Cas.

"Okay, but Dean will be back soon."

"I'll just be on top of the bunker." 

Sam nodded. "We are only trying to help." he said as Cas stood up.

"I know."

"And we all feel pretty helpless right now, so it makes some of us a little cranky."

"Whatever happens, Sam, please know that I am grateful for the friendship you and Dean have shown me." said Cas. It was a gamble and might suggest to Sam what was going on, but he had to say it anyway. They had been kind to him and it was not their fault that, for Jack's sake, he might soon be gone.

Sam stood. He put his hand on Cas's shoulder. "There's nothing we wouldn't do for you."

Cas nodded. "You have shown that often enough."

The beehive on the top of the bunker didn't raise his spirits as it often had before. Saving Jack had been all he thought about in making his deal and even after it, until Jack had pointed out that it would affect Jules. All the rest of his life had been forgotten.

The promised road trip with Dean and Sam would never happen. He had always known that, so giving it up was no loss. There was never time for such frivolities. It was just a thing Dean said to cheer them all up when the unrelenting misery of their lives became unbearable and he had pretended to believe in it because Dean needed him to.

The bees, though ... The idea of a hive of bees on the roof of the bunker had seemed like an achievable future aim that could neither harm Heaven nor be seen as disobeying it. It hurt no-one and would have given them all some honey to enjoy and he would have had the bees close, their gentle communion available any time he needed it to reregulate his shattered thoughts. The promise of the coming of his bees had helped him through many rough times and until it had been mentioned by Sam, he had not thought about the deal with the Empty taking away even that small hope.

He could still have the bees, in the unlikely event that he survived until the spring or summer, when Sarah's bees might swarm, but to take them on, knowing he would soon be gone, seemed unfair to them. Sam had said he would take care of them, but he wouldn't sit with them, sharing his thoughts, letting them play in his aura, telling them stories of how their kind had helped to make the world the garden it was.

He had fallen in love on the shores of an ocean filled with the beginnings of life. He had seen countless worlds born and had wondered at the beauty of them all, but something about the light that shone on this one, the wild exuberance of the weather, the way life on this planet just took hold and would not give in ... Only Dean, who had seen it in their shared dream, could understand the depths of his love for this world and everything in it. 

And that had been when he was a simple angel, with none of the human passion and love. Deeper, stronger loves had taken root in him as he had come to learn from Dean and from Sam. At times, he would be captivated by the intricacies of a leaf or hypnotised by the beauty of a human face, the eyes filled with determination to fight, even if there were no possible chance of success. For love of this world, which needed Jack and for his own love of the child, he would give up his place in the world and never see either of them again.

He went to the beehive and put both hands on the roof. "Tell them," he said, "I did not leave by choice." For a moment he stayed there, trying to impress his love for the bees that may never be there, for the Winchesters, who could not read the energies in the wood, for Jules, who hated him and for Jack, who hated what he had done into the painted wooden hive so that some tiny echo of the truth would be there for their comfort when he was gone.

He would be gone. However hard he tried to believe otherwise, he knew it would happen. Every deal came due and every bad decision came to fruition and he would be taken to the Empty, to live in endless dreams of regret and remorse and he had plenty of both to fill eternity. He could delay it a little, perhaps, but the day would come and he hoped when it did, Dean would not be there to see his surrender and know that he had lied.

With that ending certain, he had to put plans in place to protect Jack and Jules when he was not there to do it himself. He took out his phone and called the most dangerous, unreliable woman he knew.

"Hello, Castiel!" said Rowena, "How's Jack?" The lack of flirtation, jokes and other foolishness struck to his heart. Whatever lies she told herself and others, she cared about Jack, maybe about all of them. He had to hope that was the case.

"Jack is fully recovered." he said, "He's safe, for now."

"Oh, that's good." she said, "What happened?"

"I'll tell you another time. I'm calling on a matter of some urgency."

"Go on." she said, sounding pleasingly businesslike.

"The experiments with my grace ... We need to pursue them after all."

"And your reluctance to waste time with small talk suggests the Winchesters are not on board. I thought we agreed ... "

"I don't have time to persuade them and mentioning any of it to them would raise questions I cant answer. Are you interested or not?"

"Not." she said.

"Why?"

"Magic ... high magic, at least, requires a clear head and clear intentions. I can feel your desperation from here. It wouldn't be safe, for either of us."

"I don't care about either of us. I need a means to use my grace to protect someone in my absence."

"Jack?" she said.

"Jack and a few others."

"For example ... ?"

"Claire Novak. She's a hunter in South Dakota."

"Is she your mysterious lover?"

"No, quite the opposite."

"Your nemesis?" said Rowena, sounding amused.

"The daughter of Jimmy Novak, my vessel. These days, it feels like she's my daughter too."

"You'd never normally give me that much information."

"If I die, I'd like to know someone powerful knows who she is and will protect her."

"And you trust me?"

"No, but I'd like to."

"You really are desperate, aren't you? Are you expecting to die?"

"Since I met Dean Winchester, always."

"It's dangerous, as I said. When playing with something as powerful as angelic grace, it's best to keep emotions out of it."

"I can kill my emotions at will."

"I doubt that, but I'd like to trust you, too."

"So you'll do it?"

"I'll consider it."

"I'm offering you vast power and information. I don't know of any other witch who has had free access to both grace and the angel who owns it. I can tell you a lot of things you don't know."

"I'm sure. And I'm sure I could also teach you a thing or two."

"I could give you other information, too. You love power. I can give you a lot more."

"See what I mean? Desperate. I don't like the idea of going behind the Winchesters' backs. They'll forgive their pet angel, but me ... ?

"Are you telling me you're afraid?"

"No, I'm trying to suggest that you should be. The reason why we never asked for their permission was that they would say no and the reason why they would say no is that they care what happens to you and to the world. If the Winchesters would be against it, there's a strong possibility that it would be a terrible mistake."

"You trust Dean's judgement?" said Cas. He was unused to being lectured on responsibility by a witch who had never listened to anyone else in her life.

"Well, he is my second favourite Winchester." she said.

"Do you believe we can somehow link my grace to physical objects and use those objects to protect people?" he said.

"I have some preliminary ideas." she said, "But the grace would forever be linked to you."

"Would it die when I died?" he said.

"No, but while you lived, it might be used against you."

"You're already thinking of retaining one of the objects." he said.

"I'm a witch, darlin'. A friend is just an enemy who hasn't seen an opportunity yet. But I'm warning you that I or anyone else could use those objects against you."

"I don't care. I need three of them."

"Jack, Claire and your lover?"

"I can honestly say that I have no lover." he said.

"Then who's the third one for?"

"That's none of your business."

"And if I make a fourth?"

"Make it. I don't care."

"What's happened, Castiel?"

"Nothing. Now, we can't meet at the bunker to discuss this."

"Find a tolerable hotel and text me the details."

"No texts. No trail. Sam and Dean must know nothing of this."

"This course you are on is a very foolhardy one." she said.

"Do you think I don't know that? I happen to be out of options."

"You're lucky I have no principles."

"I'm counting on it." he said.

"Call me and tell me when and where."

"I will. Thanks, Rowena."

"You're thanking me? Castiel, I'm a wicked witch, taking advantage of your desperation and lack of good sense."

"But you like Jack and you will protect him."

"If I can, however I can, for as long as I can." she promised.


	19. Chapter 19

Dean was not impressed. "What do you mean, he went out?"

"He needed some time alone." said Sam. 

"And you let him go?"

"What was I supposed to do? Restrain him?"

"You've had worse ideas." said Dean.

"He only went on top of the bunker. He needed a little time to think. What do you think's gonna happen to him up there?"

"I think he's gonna think and you know what that does to him? Let me remind you, him thinking is never a good thing!"

"Yeah, well, you know what? House arrest wasn't really working well for him either." said Sam. For a moment, they stood face to face, on the brink of a serious clash. Then Sam said more reasonably, "He's okay, Dean."

Dean put the bags of food on the table. "He hasn't been okay in years." he said quietly.

"He'll be back soon." said Sam, "He will have seen the Impala."

"Don't act like I'm worrying over nothing. You said yourself, there's something behind this and it's bad and it seems worse every time he refuses to talk about it."

"I never said you were worrying over nothing. I'm worried too, but we can't force him into talking. Maybe it's not as bad as it seems. Maybe it's just that Jack's death shook him up."

"You mean like the part where he wasn't there with Jack at the end, because he was trying to convince me not to be such a jerk?" said Dean.

"What?" said Sam, "No!"

"Think about it, Sam. He wasn't with Jack because of me. Jack died. Then he had to go to Heaven, a place that's never good for him and fight the Empty, the only thing worse than Heaven, to get Jack back, coincidentally snatching him away from Kelly just when he had a chance to get to know her."

"Are you blaming yourself for all of that? Was that what you were thinking about all the time you were out?"

"Yeah, pretty much. When he got back, he acted like it was no big deal and we let him, because, hey, he's an angel. But of course it messed him up, of course it did. And he couldn't talk to us about it because he didn't want to bother us with his stuff when we were feeling bad about Jack ... when I was feeling bad about letting Jack down."

"You didn't."

"I couldn't comfort him when he was dying, because I was too wrapped up in my own stupid ... "

"You couldn't watch him die because you loved him too much." said Sam.

"Are you saying you loved him less? Because you were there for him. Cas and I should have been too and because of me, we weren't. So Cas comes back from Heaven all kinds of torn up and we failed him. Pact or no pact, he couldn't talk to us. Instead, he spends a night thinking, because he doesn't sleep and a night thinking makes him feel like he's not allowed to be happy and he ditches Jules because it's the only way he can punish himself properly for the failure that was my fault in the first place."

"That's how you see it?"

"It makes sense."

"I'm starting to think you're the one who shouldn't be left to think for too long alone." said Sam.

"Maybe there is no secret, terrible thing that happened. Maybe the terrible thing that happened is the one we know about. Jack died and Cas decided to punish himself for letting that happen and all this is just one more stupid, self-destructive thing he did because since the day he got mixed up in all this humanity, he's seen himself as bad and wrong and unworthy."

"And by humanity, you mean you." said Sam.

"The very touch of me corrupts." said Dean.

Sam sighed. "You don't see it, do you? You're as confused and delusional as he is and as wracked with unnecessary guilt. If you two spent half the time talking that you each spend searching for reasons to hate yourselves, you might both come to understand that there is nothing you should hate yourselves for."

"That's what he's doing right now." said Dean, "Going over reasons to hate himself. You should never have let him wander off alone."

"Dean, are you listening to anything I'm saying?" said Sam.

"Every minute he's alone, he's piling on layer after layer of justification for ending things with Jules. He doesn't deserve her, he can't make her happy, angels were never intended to fall in love."

The door opened and Cas walked in. "I agree." he said.

"I was talking about your delusions, not making a case for them." said Dean.

"Nevertheless ... "

"No!" said Dean, "You stop that, right now! This stupid ... Sam let you go off by yourself and it was a dumb thing to do."

"Dean, I'm an angel, billions of years older than you, not a small child in a state of confusion. And your brother isn't stupid. He respects me."

"I respect you, you dumb, stupid cloud-percher!"

"Sounds like it." said Cas.

"Wanting you not to be left alone to wallow in misery and self-loathing is a part of respecting you. I want you to be with Jules. I want you to be happy. What part of that is so terrible?"

"The part where you think I'm not able to make my own decisions." said Cas.

"Your own decisions stink."

"Including the one to side with you and Sam against Heaven?"

"Maybe especially that one, because nothing good has come out of it."

"Jack has come out of it." said Cas.

"Stop it, both of you." said Sam, "We all just need to calm down. Dean, half of this is your irrational guilt and at least a quarter of it is angel issues from Michael."

"I disagree."

"Constantly and pathologically, but I'm right. Cas, you're only hearing the worst possible interpretation of everything Dean says. Bear in mind that he's being this crazy because you matter to him ... to both of us."

"I wasn't trying to start a fight." said Cas.

"Neither was I." said Dean.

"Great. So nobody wants a fight. Who wants food?" Sam went to the table and took Cas's ice cream out of the bag. "Better eat this before it melts." he said, handing it to Cas.

Cas nodded to Dean. "Thankyou."

"No problem." said Dean, "Look, I'm sorry. You're not stupid."

"Every time we argue, stupid is your first accusation."

"We shouldn't argue at all. We're on the same side."

"Just admit it. You think I'm stupid."

"I think some of your decisions and assumptions are stupid and let's face it, if you were a genius, it would be me you were ditching, not the hot chick."

"The hot chick? That's how you think of my betrothed?"

"Not your betrothed now, so I can think of her any way I like."

"The hot chick is one of the cleverest humans I have ever met."

"Smart is sexy." said Dean.

"Dean, eat your burger." said Sam, "Cas, don't worry. He's joking."

"About Jules, maybe, but he meant what he said about ditching him." said Cas.

"Yeah, well, when it comes to low self-esteem, you two compete like limbo dancers." said Sam.


	20. Chapter 20

Jack cleaned the Impala because that was all he could really do to help anyone. He felt bad about sending Sam to check on Dean and Cas, but he'd been almost sure they were about to fight and that never ended well for either of them. 

He felt worse about what had happened in Heaven, that he could not speak of to anyone but Cas and that Cas was not interested in discussing. Cas had never said a lot to him about the Empty, but he often shuddered when it was mentioned and his eyes suggested that his brief sleep there had not been a restful one. 

Now he had offered himself to the Empty in Jack's place and that made Jack feel like his murderer and Cas acted like it didn't change a thing, because angels all ended up there anyway, but Jack knew it changed everything, because, when the Empty came to claim him, he wouldn't fight.

When Dean found out, he would hate Jack. He would see, all too clearly, who had caused it all and the only thing Dean could never forgive was causing harm to his family. Sam would understand. Sam would perhaps forgive. Dean never would and if Sam offered any support to Jack, it would cause a rift between the Winchesters which would also be his fault.

Then there was Jules, who had been nothing but kind to him. Through him, she had lost Cas and since Cas had told her what had happened, she knew it. He wanted to talk to her and apologise and tell her that he had not asked for the sacrifice and had argued against it, but how could any of that make a difference to her? Yet he had to say something to someone to make some part of the whole disaster right.

When he had finished cleaning the car, he texted the single word, "Sorry." to the woman he had come to see as his stepmother.

He was not expecting a response, but moments later, the reply flashed up. "If you can talk freely, call me."

His fingers were shaking as he made the call, but when she answered it, there was no trace of anger or hatred in her voice.

"Jack? Are you okay? I've been so worried about you."

"About me?" he said, "You know I am the reason for all this." He looked around. He had to be more discreet. He got into the Impala so nobody coming through the garage would overhear.

"Oh, kid, didn't Sam tell you? I don't blame you at all. Nobody knows better than I do how impossible it is to talk him out of anything. I know you tried."

"I did, but he said he had to do it. He said he was okay with it. I'd rather go to the Empty a thousand times than let him do it."

"I know, Jack. I know. You and I are the only people who know about it, so you're the only one I can talk to about it and that means you can also talk to me."

"What about Sarah?"

"She's worked out part of it, not all." His heart ached for Jules. She sounded as lost and frightened as he felt.

"Will you be staying with Sarah?" he said. The thought of her being alone in this world or going back to die in her own horrified him.

"For now." she said, "I need to find out how to fight the Empty."

"I'm not sure that's possible." he said.

"Neither am I, but I'm gonna find that out for sure by trying until I succeed or die." The note of resolution that entered her voice showed how strong she really was. It gave him hope for all of them.

"Can we do that together?" he said.

"I was hoping you could help me. I need anything you can find out about the Empty. Cas seems to be the one who knows most and I can hardly call him for information, but maybe you can get it from him."

"I'll try. And I'll search the lore and ask Donatello."

"But not the Winchesters. For now, at least, we have to respect his wishes and not give him away."

"You still love him." said Jack.

"Him, you, the whole family. I got angry. I was scared. I said things I didn't mean or if I did mean them, it was unfair to mean them. What we had ... Nobody in my life has ever treated me so well or made me feel so much and I tried to just stop loving him, but even when I thought he never loved me, it didn't work."

"So you don't think that now?"

"I'm not sure, but my gut says it was real, that he just wants me to think it wasn't so I can walk away. I can't walk away. Couldn't, even if I knew he never cared, because he's still an angel who defied Heaven for humans and I still love him."

"That's good to hear, because he loves you and he's a wreck without you. It's worse because he can't tell the Winchesters why it happened or why an apology won't fix it. He could talk to me about it, but he doesn't want to."

"Sarah will go to see him tomorrow. Maybe he can talk to her." said Jules, "But you keep on trying, because just the fact that you care will give him strength. He's so alone in all of this."

"So are you."

"But I'm not going to the Empty."

"Neither is he if we can find a way to prevent it." said Jack.

"I love you so much, kid."

"Jules," he said, "I know Castiel never meant to hurt you."

"No. You were in imminent danger and he did what he had to in order to bring you home. It hurt that he never considered me, but Sarah pointed out, that's the way his mind works."

"Angelic focus. I have the same problem, sometimes. It's my fault that he suddenly decided to break up with you. I told him that his deal would affect you and he just decided he had to do it."

"Angelic focus again. No looking for other options, 'Here's an obvious fix, so I'll do that.' For a being who's beyond genius, he can sometimes be really stupid."

"I should have raised the subject some other way. I tried to tell him not to o it ... "

"Jack, you did nothing wrong." said Jules.

"It feels like I destroyed everything. And when Dean finds out ... "

"If Dean finds out because the Empty comes to snatch Cas, Dean will lash out at everyone in range, because that's what Dean does. It doesn't mean he's right to do it. If he loses it with you, call me and I will come get you. Then we can let Sarah convince him he doesn't hate you."

"What if he really does? I'm the reason Cas made the deal."

"You think Dean doesn't understand bad deals made to save the people you love? He went to Hell for Sam."

"I wish I'd been strong enough to obliterate the Empty. Then none of this would have happened."

"Just be strong enough to keep him around and aware that he's loved. That's all that matters now."

"Should I tell him you love him?"

"I don't know. That may feel like manipulation to him. Just tell him that you do. You can tell him as many times as you need to that I'm not as angry as I must have seemed. I don't want to talk to him now. I can't. I'd just be pathetic and desperate. You, though ... Jack, you can talk to me any time you need to. Just because he and I can't be together doesn't mean you have to pick one. You and me, we'll always be good friends. Okay?"

"Okay." he said, relieved beyond words that she had not decided to hate him forever. "It works the other way, too." he said, "You can always call."

"Best if you call me, when you're alone and can talk. I don't want him or Dean to think we're plotting."

"We will be, though, right? Plotting to save him whether he wants to be saved or not?"

"You bet." she said.


	21. Chapter 21

After the meal, there was a long and difficult silence. Dean was aware that all the thoughts that tumbled into his head and tried to slip out of his mouth were unhelpful ones. He wanted to know what Cas was thinking and more importantly, what he had been thinking out there alone, when he should never have been allowed to go out there alone. 

Come to that, he also wanted to ask what Sam had been thinking and yell at him for a while about it and then maybe throw some stuff, because he should not be the only one who saw how insane Sam had been to leave Cas alone and unsupervised ... how stupid he himself had been to go out and leave it up to Sam. He wanted to get angry, when he knew that anger was what kept making Cas retreat into his own head.

Sam was watching them both, ready to intervene if things took a turn. He tried not to make it obvious, but Dean was not fooled for a second. It wasn't only the angel who was now under supervision. When he had come back after ... after the Michael thing, he had asked Sam to fulfil the role of responsible adult and Sam had continued with it. He did it well and no doubt he was doing it well now.

Cas looked furtive, but that was Michael stuff coming through. That was his paranoia. Rather than react to a delusion, he mentally corrected furtive to uneasy. Cas was afraid. Whether of him, of both of them or of the situation, he could not tell and was afraid to ask. Maybe he was just aware of how much he had thrown away in one thoughtless moment. Dean could relate to that.

Sam was the first to speak. "How are you two doing?"

"Separately, or ... " Cas began.

"Either. Both. You both have me a little apprehensive." said Sam.

Cas looked at Dean. He had the uncomfortable feeling that Cas did not dare to offer an opinion and wanted Dean to make a statement for both of them. As Dean himself was only interested in Castiel's mental and emotional state and had no firm idea of either, he was not about to give an answer.

"Do you need an easier question?" said Sam glancing from one to the other.

"Cas may need an easier relationship." said Dean. He regretted it instantly firstly, because Cas seemed to flinch from the comment and secondly, because he felt like he had just made it all about him.

Sam nodded, as if he had been expecting that.

"Of course, he had one, this morning." Even as he said it, Dean wished he could unsay it. His mouth always thought that saying more would make things better. It never worked. "Forget I said that." he said.

"Forgotten." said Cas, not even trying to make it sound sincere. He said it with the air of a subordinate acknowledging an order from an officer he intended to frag later. Some anger there and bitterness, but not enough, not nearly enough. Mostly, there was sorrow, mixed with resignation. He had criticised Cas so much that Cas didn't try to argue.

Asking for forgiveness, apologising or calling himself names would all just be making it about him again. He needed something that would heal the wounds, not just add salt. Nothing came to mind.

"Maybe I should sleep in here tonight." said Sam, "Maybe you two need some time apart."

"No." said Dean.

"You don't trust me to take care of him?"

"I trust you to do your best." said Dean.

"This is because he left the bunker, isn't it?"

"No." said Dean and then, because he was trying to be more honest with both of them, he added, "It's not just that."

"Then what else?" said Sam.

"Is it so weird that I want to be here when he needs me?"

"I don't need you." said Cas.

"You don't know what you need." said Dean, hearing the angry tone creeping into his voice. "Do we have to talk about this now?"

"What do you need, Dean?" said Sam.

"Are you trying to be Sarah?" said Dean.

"I'm trying to understand both of you." said Sam, "What do you need?"

"What I always need, the both of you to be okay, Cas to be safe from that voice in his head that tells him he's wicked and wrong and corrupt. I need to be there when one of my family needs me, not off in the corridor because I'm too wrapped up in my own stuff to care."

The speed with which Cas understood was startling and unsettling. "It was because you cared you couldn't face Jack's death." he said.

"And stopped you from being there too." said Dean.

"Jack is alive." said Cas, "None of that matters now."

"So you're fine with it?" Dean looked into Cas's eyes, daring him to lie.

"I don't blame you." said Cas, "I don't want you to blame yourself."

"No, that's your thing." said Dean.

"Cas is right." said Sam, "Jack is alive. We don't need to talk about his death anymore."

"You mean you don't want to talk about it, because you were the only one with the courage to face it." said Dean. He glanced at Cas and said, "Sorry. I know lack of courage didn't come into it for you. You were trying to deal with mine."

"Sometimes I think you'd all be better off without me." said Cas sadly.

Dean turned on Sam. "And you wonder why I don't want him thinking these thoughts alone!"

"No, I get it." said Sam, "I just think trapping him in here and yelling at him may do more harm than solitary self-hatred does." The fact that he was right did not make Dean feel better.

"Would you be better off without me?" he said quietly.

Cas shook his head. "How can you think that?"

"You ditched Jules. That makes me think a lot of things, none of them good."

"Even when you hate me, I stay. Doesn't that suggest I like you?"

"I have never hated you." said Dean.

"You admitted you hated me." 

"I was under the influence of Michael. You can't hold that against me!"

"I hold nothing against you. I state facts. Truth matters."

"The truth is, you can be frickin' annoying!"

"I know." said Cas.

"But I still don't hate you. I still want you to stay here. I still want to be able to tell you that the thing in your head that tells you you're worthless is an idiot."

"It's me, Dean."

"I can't help that."

"So we're back to me being stupid." said Cas.

"We're both stupid, all the time. It's why we understand each other."

"Clearly, we don't." said Cas.

"Sam, what do I say to make this idiot understand I don't think he's stupid?"

"I don't know," said Sam, "Maybe don't use the word idiot."

Dean took a deep breath and gained control of his disordered thoughts before speaking again. Then he said, "I don't think you're stupid. I think you're a victim of Chuck's indifference and the archangels' arrogance and my stupid, useless inability to say what I mean instead of all this mean crap I keep hurling your way. I think you're vulnerable and I think you shattered your own heart today for reasons that don't make sense even to you and I'm scared if I let you out of my sight, something terrible is gonna happen and I can't handle something terrible happening to you again."

Cas and Sam were both looking at him intently.

"Sorry." he said, not sure why.

"Dean and I should stay in here tonight." said Cas.

"Thanks." said Dean.

"Try to keep to that level of honesty." said Sam, "It's a lot better than the whole stupid thing."

"Stupid is easier." said Dean.

"The truth is, I am stupid." said Cas.

"No, you're not." said Dean.

"Neither of you is stupid." said Sam.

"Then why didn't you think I could be trusted alone with Cas for the night?"

"I never said that." said Sam.

"No, he thinks I'll say or do something to trigger all the wrong emotions in your mind." said Cas.

"I didn't say that either." said Sam.

"I guess it means he cares." said Dean.

"If you're staying in here," said Cas, "I need a promise that you won't try to discuss my relationship with Jules."

"Okay, I promise, but only for tonight. Tomorrow, all bets are off."

"I'm actually surprised you agreed to keeping off the subject for tonight." said Cas.

"I'll be amazed if he manages it." said Sam.


	22. Chapter 22

Once Cas had agreed to stay in the room with Dean that night, Sam found them both much more peaceful and calm, but he knew it was largely an illusion. Both wanted to keep the peace and Dean felt he had won a small victory, but there were undercurrents in the most banal and safe of small talk and Sam knew that if they all stayed in that room all day, new quarrels would break out and all of them would say things they shouldn't.

"You've got the whole night to talk to Cas." he said to Dean, "Mind if I borrow him for a while?"

"You wanna talk behind my back, to warn him that I'll break my promise?" said Dean.

"No, he already knows you'll break your promise." said Sam, "I wanna talk behind your back about other stuff." He grinned. Sometimes, humour worked on Dean a lot better than reasoned argument.

Dean threw him the car keys. "Take the Impala. Get him out on the open road. He can't wander off in a moving car."

"I don't want to wander off." said Cas.

"Are you gonna sit here and wait for us to come back?" said Sam. Getting Cas out of there for a while would help, but he didn't want Dean brooding alone in there.

"No, I'll hit the gym for a few hours. I trust you."

"You do?"

"Kinda. So don't let me down and lose him, okay?"

"I'm not a dog." said Cas.

"No, you're not." said Dean, "You can train a dog."

"Let's go, Cas." said Sam quickly.

The car was gleaming. "Jack must have cleaned it." said Cas, "He really shouldn't be doing any work."

"Jack's okay." said Sam, "I think he needs to feel useful."

"I wish he didn't feel he has to be."

They got into the car and were soon driving around Kansas. Cas looked out of the window, seeming a little too distant.

"Are you okay?" said Sam.

Cas turned to look at him. "I think you were right to be worried about Dean. You heard what he said. This thing isn't about his concern for me. He feels he's failing to protect his family. That's been a problem for him since he was four years old."

"You could be right." said Sam.

"He was a child. He somehow got you out of that house. To anyone else, that would seem an astounding feat of courage in one so young. To him, he failed to save your mother."

"It's a more recent failure bothering him now." said Sam, "He's haunted by the fact he kept you away from Jack when he was dying. He knows what that did to you."

"It wasn't his fault." said Cas.

"It wasn't yours either."

"No, but I wasn't there. Sam, I didn't get a chance to thank you properly. You were there. You gave Jack the comfort I couldn't. Since Jack was born, you have always been there for him. I know you always will be, even if ... "

"You go to Alabama?" said Sam.

Cas seemed instantly wary. "Something could happen to me." he said.

"Something always does." said Sam, "Of course, if you gave us a heads up about it, we might be able to stop it from happening. If there's something you want to tell me ... "

"No."

"Is there something I'd want to know?"

"No." said Cas.

"Okay, good, but if there ever is, you can tell me anything."

"I have always been able to, haven't I?" said Cas, a worryingly wistful tone in his voice, "You've always been a good friend to me, even when I least deserved it."

"All that, 'I don't deserve it' crap is in your head. You stood by us when the whole universe was against us. I honestly believe you'd take our side against God. You stuck with us when Dean was a demon. You never, ever let us down."

"Not true. You know that's not true."

"It's true. You just don't see it. I don't think you ever have."

"Dean sees clearly my many failures and betrayals."

"No. Ask him when he's not pissed at you."

"When is he ever not pissed at me?" said Cas.

"These days, he's just generally pissed. It's not you. He keeps thinking he's hit the limit of his endurance and then things get worse and he still keeps going, but it's exhausting him. It's burning him out. That's why he needs us so much. That's why I'm glad you'll be with him tonight."

"He may not get much sleep. He says he wants to keep me in sight."

"He's afraid of what will happen if he doesn't. To us, you don't seem to be thinking clearly and after what happened when he was ... away, we're both very much aware that you could come to harm. He was pretty freaked out when he realised I let you leave the bunker alone."

"I was fine."

"Yeah, the f word doesn't really work for us, does it?"

"Sam, I've been through a lot, Hell, Purgatory, Dean's interminable western marathons ... "

"The Empty."

"The Empty. So what makes you both think that I'll fall apart over one small adjustment to my domestic arrangements."

"Most people get messed up by a break-up. You get messed up by Dean making jokes about you."

"He never means them as jokes."

"So you admit ... "

"I admit nothing. I'm not delicate. I'm not breakable. I'm an angel. I don't feel things as deeply as you humans do. Which is why I had to break up with Jules. I could never be to her what a human lover would."

"No. That doesn't work as an explanation."

"Well, it's the only one I have to offer. I didn't love her. I couldn't love her. I don't feel what you feel or fear what you fear." There was a brief pause and then he said, "So when I was in the Empty, there was no suffering, just silence."

"Then why do you never talk about it? Why do you change the subject when we talk about it?"

"Because it is nothing to me, literally and metaphorically." said Cas.

"If you talk like this to Dean, he will call you on your bullshit."

"Why can't you both just let this go?" said Cas.

"Because we love you and when you love someone, you don't let them pretend things are fine when they're not." 

"You let Dean pretend that all the time and Dean pretends every day to believe that you're fine when you clearly haven't been fine since the day he dragged you out of Stanford."

Sam felt uncomfortable. Cas was right, but admitting that would not be helpful. "I know it can seem that way, but I'm okay."

"Of course. I was wrong ever to doubt you. It must be someone else who cries out in the night from the exact location of your room."

"Everyone has bad dreams sometimes." said Sam.

"Everyone has break-ups."

"Yeah and everyone is hurt by them. And I'm not asking you to tell us everything about how it made you feel, but when you won't even discuss it, we worry about what's going on in your head."

"Why is it your problem?" said Cas, sounding like he pitied them both for caring.

"Because you're our friend. You're our brother."

"You and I should be worrying about Dean. He won't let the Jack thing go."

"Have you?"

"How is that relevant? You know how Dean's obsessive, irrational guilt takes over his life."

Gently, Sam said, "Jack knew you loved him. The whole thing was terrible, but he never doubted that."

Cas spoke very quietly, as if afraid to say anything. "Make sure he always knows that. Never let him doubt it. Whatever happens, make sure he knows, he is everything to me."

"This is about Alabama, isn't it?" said Sam.

"No. This is about the future, whatever it may be."


	23. Chapter 23

Dean had been in the gym for a while before Jack came in. He stood by the door. "What is it, kid?" said Dean.

"I wanted to say I'm sorry about sending Sam to check on you and Castiel." said Jack.

"Don't worry about it. I'm sorry we made you feel you had to. For what its worth, I wasn't about to attack him, or anything. But it's good that he has you looking out for him. That's very good."

"I was worried about both of you." said Jack, "I know you wouldn't normally hurt each other, but these aren't normal times."

"No, they're not." said Dean, watching Jack closely, searching for any sign of weakness. After coming so close to losing him forever, it was difficult to accept that he was really back for good.

He tried not to make his concern too obvious. He knew how much Jack hated to be the centre of attention and especially the object of pity or concern. Jack felt bad enough having lost his powers and in his mind, his usefulness and Dean knew he himself had helped to put the idea into his head that he was a weapon, not a person in his own right.

"I need a break." said Dean, "Throw me that bottle of water there."

Jack threw it, inexpertly, but Dean was able to catch it.

"I cleaned your car." said Jack.

"Thanks. I appreciate that." said Dean.

Jack smiled. He might be a man in height and build, but there was something about his smile that was forever four years old. Every word of praise and approval was better than food and drink to him and Dean was sure it wasn't just his ego that made him think that praise from him meant more than any other kind. 

Maybe it was the way he had made things so difficult for Jack in the beginning. His approval was harder to earn, so Jack valued it more. He felt bad about that, remembering the hoops he had jumped through to try to please a father who had two grades for everything: perfection and failure.

"You help out around here a lot." he said, "I want you to know, we notice. We know how lucky we are to have you and I don't think you do. You can ask Cas, Sam and I ... well, mainly I ... I'm not good at saying the things that should be said. I make some dumb joke or I ... " He remembered how calling Cas stupid all the time was harming their friendship ... harming Cas. "I'm not a person who knows how to be a good friend." he said, "I never had that many to practice on."

"I don't think the things you say matter that much. You and Sam and Castiel brought me back from the dead. That's what friendship is, not making nice speeches."

"The two can go together. Sam always knows what to say."

"So do you, most of the time." said Jack, "And when you say something good to me, I know you mean it. You don't offer false praise."

"Or the real stuff, when it's deserved." said Dean.

"You're always there, when it counts." said Jack and Dean knew he had no intention of turning a knife that had been sticking out of Dean's heart since the moment in the corridor when he had realised it was too late to get over his issues and comfort a dying child. 

"But I wasn't there. When you ... When you really needed us, I wasn't there and because of me, Cas wasn't either."

Jack opened his mouth to speak and Dean raised a hand between them. "No, don't. This is not the time for me to burden you with my guilt."

"Dean, you shouldn't feel any."

"I should, if not for your sake, for Cas."

"Dean, it wasn't a great night for any of us. There were things I could have said and I said none of them. If I had permanently died ... "

"No. Don't think about that."

"None of you would have known how much you meant to me."

"Trust me ki ... Jack, we know. I don't know where you get it from, because none of your role models has it, maybe your Mom, but you have a way of making people feel like they matter to you. Sarah says you have emotional honesty and she says I could learn a lot from you."

"I don't think you have much to learn."

"Oh, I do. Of course, if I'm gonna learn it, I'm gonna need you to stick around."

Jack smiled. "That's all I want to do. But, Dean, that night ... "

"Don't try to make me feel better. I let you down. I let Cas down. I let Sam down."

"Because you didn't care?"

"No, not that."

"No. It was because you couldn't bear to see me suffer. If you think that ever seemed like a lack of love ... "

"It was a failure of love. For your sake and his, I should have stowed my stuff and been at your bedside."

"Before I was born, you believed I was completely evil and had to die."

"Thanks, Jack. Just the reminder I need today." said Dean.

"When you met me, you were sure you'd have to kill me."

"I'm a hunter. You seemed like the monster of monsters."

"That's my point." said Jack, "Giving me a chance, helping me to learn, bringing me back from the dead and finding a way for me to survive ... That is the most epic stowing of stuff and being at my side I could ever ask for. And when I became convinced I was evil, you told me I wasn't and I knew you wouldn't say that just to be kind."

"No, I'm like my Dad, never unnecessarily kind."

"At that moment, I didn't need kind. I needed you to be honest and you were and you believed in me when I couldn't believe in myself. The night I died, I knew you were near and I knew you loved me. Castiel too, I knew."

"It doesn't change the fact that I wasn't there and that he wasn't there because of me."

"What the three of you have done for me outweighs any failure of which you accuse yourselves. I'm here now because the three people I love most in this world would not give up on me. Don't ever think that I don't understand that. Sam was great. Sam said everything I needed to hear. Because he was there, I wasn't alone and afraid. But that doesn't mean you and Castiel let me down. I know that if either of you had thought of a way to save me, even at the last moment, you would have run into that room."

"We should have run in there anyway. Cas is innocent in this. I'm the reason we didn't."

"If you need me to say I forgive you, I do, with my whole heart, but I don't see it as something needing to be forgiven."

"Yeah, has to be your mother. The lady was a saint." said Dean.

"When I saw her in Heaven, she was so happy with me. She was proud of me." said Jack in tones of wonder.

"Of course she was. Kelly never doubted you were good. She had so much faith in you and you've justified all of it. You're everything she wanted you to be, everything she believed you to be. To see you and speak to you and hold you must have made her feel so good."

"She's beautiful. Her eyes ... her smile ... She glows with love."

"A mom's love is pretty special. I'm glad you got to experience it."

"And she's proud of me." said Jack, his eyes bright and that cute toddler smile on his lips. Nephilim could be so complicated and hard to understand, but Dean had no trouble at all understanding his love for the mother who had been taken from him so early and who had told him, in their brief heavenly meeting, that she loved him and was proud of him.

"Jack," he said, "We all are."


End file.
